And the Award Goes to...

Last night I watched the Golden Globe Awards. I hadn’t seen many of the movies or even the television shows that were nominated, I didn’t recognize quite a few of the actors and actresses on the red carpet, and I didn’t really care who won most of the awards. So why did I bother watching? Why, for the fashions, of course.

I love checking out what the various actresses are wearing, how they style their hair, what their makeup is like, and what accessories they pair with a given outfit. Some of them are always gorgeous, glamorous, and elegant (Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet come to mind), some of them are consistently whack-a-doodle (Tilda Swinton, Bai Ling), some of them are kind of hit-or-miss (Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts), and some of them look stunning no matter what monstrosity is hanging off their bodies (Heidi Klum, Sophia Loren).

So I decided I would make my own list of fashion awards from last night’s red carpet, both kudos and razzies. Fashion being as subjective as it is, I’m sure that many of you will disagree with my ratings. Sometimes there is a very fine line between a couture fashion statement and a complete sartorial tragedy.

Best Slightly Avant-Garde Without Going Over the Top:
Angelina Jolie, in white satin with a high slit, twisted waistline, and a pop of red in the collar and matching handbag
Sarah Michelle Gellar, in a bright blue and white batik printed gown that she admitted was picked out by her 2-year-old
Evan Rachel Wood, in a sleek dark green gown with a deep v-neck, covered with scales
WINNER: Angelina Jolie

The Close But No Cigar Award:

Natalie Portman, in a hot pink strapless column that was stunning except for the inexplicable giant bustle sticking out of her left hip
Charlize Theron, in a champagne-colored cut down-to-there-and-up-to-here dress with random bunches of fabric at the waist that the designer apparently had left over
Lea Michele, in a metallic silver gown with an asymmetrical see-through top covered with strategically- but awkwardly-placed sequins
WINNER (LOSER): Charlize Theron

Best Red Dress:

Stacy Keibler, in a simple v-necked, flared column with a giant bow at the back (but not on the butt – and bonus points for having George Clooney as an accessory)
Reese Witherspoon, in a skin-tight trumpet dress with a sweetheart neckline and a single diamond cuff
Dianna Agron, in a many-tiered skirt topped with an elaborately cutout bodice featuring swans
WINNER: Reese Witherspoon

Best Black and White:

Kate Winslet, with a peek-a-boo keyhole in her black satin top showing just the right amount of cleavage over an ivory skirt
Claire Danes, in a vintage-looking white top with studded black shoulders and black skirt
Morena Baccarin, in a tastefully revealing black column with slits in all the right places and a glamorous puddle of a train
WINNER: Morena Baccarin

The Wrong Size Award:

Madonna, whose boobs were so squashed into her spangled bodice that I ached in sympathy
Shailene Woodley (who?), whose filmy silver dress could have been drop-dead gorgeous if it had not spent the entire night threatening to slide off her body.
Emily Watson, whose boobs managed to be totally squashed even though her dress was as far from being a corset as possible.
WINNER (LOSER): Madonna

The My Granny’s Dress Award:

Michelle Williams in a long-sleeved purple leopard print
Jessica Biel, channeling Miss Havisham in a semi-see-through ivory lace dress that seemed to show off her granny panties
Naya Rivera, in a high-necked grey sack with a lumpy front seam
WINNER (LOSER): Jessica Biel

The You Should Always Wear That Color Award:

Tina Fey, in a ruched burgundy column that unfortunately turned into a fluffy bedspread at the bottom
Jenna Dewan (who?) in a deep teal gown with a criss-cross bodice and twisted belt
Laura Dern, in a glittery emerald belted sheath with a deep v-neck and a hint of a train
WINNER: Laura Dern

The Big and Beautiful Award:

Octavia Spencer, in a ruched lilac gown pulled into rhinestone starburst and just a hint of a train
Amber Riley, in a strapless red column with just a hint of ruffles
Viola Davis (I know, she’s only big by Hollywood standards, but she looked gorgeous and I had to include her somewhere), in a one-shouldered burgundy draped gown with a slit up to there and an elegant shoulder drape
WINNER: Octavia Spencer

The What Were You Smoking When You Picked That Out Award:

Tilda Swinton, in an ice-blue gown and jacket combo, David Bowie hair, and pale makeup that made her look like an insect from outer space
Meryl Streep, in the black and white love child of a western cowboy shirt and an actual gown, complete with giant pockets
Sharon Osborne, in a black and white print gown that looked like upholstery fabric and strangely puffy draping at the waist
WINNER (LOSER): Tilda Swinton

The Most Unflattering Award:

Melissa McCarthy, in a big dark green sack that did nothing for her beautiful self
Juliana Marguiles, in a purple dress whose fitted sleeves and high neck were apparently modeled after scuba gear
Piper Perabo, in a semi-see-through, flesh-toned ball gown with a bodice that erased any boobs she may have
WINNER (LOSER): Melissa McCarthy (go hire Octavia Spencer’s stylist, pronto!!)

The Totally Boring Award:

Kristen Wiig, in a shapeless dress exactly the same color as her skin
Heidi Klum, in a shapeless dress exactly the same color as her skin
Amy Pohler, in a shapeless dress exactly the same color as her skin
WINNER (LOSER): Kristen Wiig

Most Elegant (Under 40 Division):

Kate Beckinsale, in a tastefully spangled, champagne-colored mermaid dress with matching diamond cuffs
Nicole Ritchie, in a very Erte, bias-cut, silver halter dress
Emma Stone, in a draped, burgundy and cranberry, belted column with age-appropriate peekaboo cutouts at each side
WINNER: Kate Beckinsale

Most Elegant (Over 40 Division):

Helen Mirren, in midnight blue with a rhinestone belt and matching clutch
Nicole Kidman, in a spectacular skin-tight beaded champagne gown with strategically placed cutouts in the bodice
Jane Fonda, in a black and stylized leopard print sheath whose hourglass insert echoed the figure inside it
WINNER: Nicole Kidman