Monday, November 10, 2014

Christmas Gifts for the Person Who Has Everything, 2014 Edition

I know it’s a bit early for Christmas shopping for most of us, but you know how you always have that ONE person who’s impossible to buy for so you start looking for Christmas gifts in, like, February in the hopes of finding something cool that they don’t already have? Or maybe YOU’RE the hard-to-buy-for person and everyone in your family is bugging you for some good gift suggestions. Here is my list of ten unusual Christmas gift ideas which I guarantee that neither you nor anyone on your gift list has already.

You’re welcome.

Flavors of America Salt Collection ($60,
11 corked test tubes of salt from throughout the United States, including smoked, flavored, and infused varieties, all presented in a base of “reclaimed American cedar.” And once you’ve used up the salt, you can “use the test tubes as a delightful bud vase.”

2015 Bubble Wrap Calendar ($25,
Yes, a “bubble wrap calendar” is exactly what you think it is. If you can restrain yourself to popping a single bubble every day, this is the calendar for you! Plus “the weekends are in bold for quick reference.” There’s a selling point for ya.

Meteorite Moon Rock ($39.99,

This 12 mg specimen of genuine meteorite comes in a lovely gift box with “a [sic] high resolution artwork [which] may vary in design.” Considering that the box itself is roughly 2 inches by 1 inch, and I’m pretty sure the small object inside the white circle shown on top of the “artwork” is the rock itself, you may want to consider throwing in a magnifying glass as well.

Monogrammed Steak Branding Iron ($59.95,

You know what I think every time I toss a steak on the grill? I think, “Gee, I wish I could burn my initials into this piece of meat before I cook it.” With this personalized branding iron, now I can. Plus it comes with a lovely cedar gift box. AND your choice of bandana. (The bandana does not seem to be monogrammed, but you can easily rectify that, now that you have a personalized branding iron.)

Virtual Bartender Scale and App (Brookstone; they don’t seem to be sharing the price online…hmmm)

Love to drink but can’t mix a decent cocktail to save your life? Hook this little scale up to your tablet or smartphone, download the free app, punch in your cocktail of choice (or type in the ingredients you have on hand and let the app make a suggestion) and start pouring. The screen will tell you what to add and even show you a virtual glass indicating when to stop pouring – but it’s okay if you overpour, because it will recalculate the ingredients accordingly. (Just be sure you have some really big glasses on hand.) Cocktail shaker, cable, and cute little stand for your phone all included.

Hidden Message Collar Stays ($45,
Love notes are so passé; instead, engrave your 30- and 35-character messages of love (or whatever) on these 12 stainless steel collar stays, presented in a lovely “black bonded leather carrying case lined in red faux suede.” They even suggest a few messages to get you started, like “do or do not. There is no try.” (Apparently nothing says romance like quoting an ancient alien Muppet while misusing capitalization.) But don’t even think about talking dirty, as “orders that use inappropriate language may be cancelled.”

Hammer Time Wall Clock ($39.50,
If this item requires any kind of explanation at all, then this is not the gift for you. Move along; nothing to see here.

Planet Plates ($42.95,

This set includes eight 10” melamine plates, each depicting a different planet (sorry, Pluto). And they’re dishwasher safe! But don’t put them in the microwave. Mercury would probably be okay but Neptune would definitely melt. (Insert your own Uranus joke here.)

Spidey-Sense Shirt ($40,

This electronic proximity detector lets you live out your wildest superhero fantasies! Well, you can’t fly, or bend iron with your bare hands, or run faster than a speeding bullet, or see through walls, or – okay, never mind that stuff. Clip this (not-so) little device on the back of your collar and you'll develop a Super-Spidey Sense all your own as it vibrates whenever someone comes within five feet of you! Not recommended for use in crowds or elevators. Cheap T-shirt included at no extra cost.

Sunglasses made from old vinyl records ($435,

Your kids won’t even understand what’s unusual about these sunglasses, which are manufactured in Budapest from old phonograph records. Sadly, they do not seem to come with any kind of certificate letting you know whether you’re wearing Hootie and the Blowfish, Nickelback, or Lawrence Welk. They do come with a glasses case made from a single 7-inch vinyl record, however, which is presumably identifiable.

So there you have it: an entire list of gifts that you can bet no-one you know already has!! As to whether anyone you know WANTS them, I'll leave that determination up to you. Merry Christmas!

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