It's nearly June, but we're having cold, wet, dreary weather this week, and I could use a few good laughs. If you do, too, here's a collection of short jokes that will hopefully bring some sunshine and warmth to your day.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? They make up everything.
Why don't skeletons get into fights? They don't have the guts.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, 'They’re right behind you.'
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”
How many choreographers does it take to change a lightbulb? Five ... six ... seven ... eight!
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
A bossy man walked into a bar… And ordered everyone a round.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
Why are dogs such terrible dancers? They have two left feet.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture.
What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.
Where do pirates get their hooks? At the second hand store.
Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.
Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
How does Reese eat ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What are caterpillars afraid of? Dogerpillars.
What kind of jacket does an octopus wear? An army jacket.
How do you keep an astronaut's baby from crying? You rocket.
Why was Cinderella such a terrible soccer player? She kept running away from the ball.
What do you call a detective who accidentally solves a case? Sheer Luck Holmes.
What do you call a guy who's really loud? Mike.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
What do you call the lamps on Noah's ark? Flood lights.
What do you call a crab that plays baseball? A pinch hitter.
What do you call a bee having a bad hair day? A frisbee.
What's another word for overpopulation? Extraterrestrials.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.
Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the words,
Smoking will kill you, and bacon will kill you, but smoking bacon will cure it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
If I got fifty cents for every math test I failed, I'd have $6.30 by now.
I tried to buy some camo pants but I couldn't find any.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They never expect it back.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
What's Forest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
If two vegetarians get into an argument, is it still called a beef?
I'm the only one my wife ever dated. She says all the others were nines or tens.
How do you follow Will Smith in the mud? Look for the fresh prints.
What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? Both crews were marooned.
I told my doctor I kept hearing a buzzing noise. He said it was just a bug that's going around.
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
I'm not superstitious. I'm just a little stitious.
I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They're watchdogs.
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A bananana.
What do biologists wear on casual Friday? Genes.
Hope these brightened your day and brought a smile to your face!
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