A Quarantine Meditation: Enough

Yesterday was a hard day. Everyone was a little out of sorts. After nearly a full week of togetherness, we were, quite frankly, getting on each other's nerves.

I went to bed at 9:30 partly because I was exhausted and partly because the damn day just needed to be OVER.

So when I woke up this morning and the clock only read 5:15, it wasn't nearly as painful as it had been yesterday morning when I also woke up at 5:15 but hadn't gone to bed until about 12:15. In fact, when I slipped out of bed, grabbed my bathrobe, and tiptoed downstairs, it felt kind of nice.

I turned the kitchen light on low, grabbed my favorite mug (Edna Mode), chose one of my favorite K-cup flavors (Starbucks toffeenut), and sat down with my mug of coffee to enjoy the peace, and quiet, and darkness.

This moment is a small blessing among a sea of struggles this week, struggles that many of us are dealing with.

Fear.

Uncertainty.

Frustration.

Anger.

So many parts of our lives that we had organized, arranged, mastered, now changing and unfamiliar and needing our attention. No longer do we spend an hour getting our kids ready for school and then not having to deal with their needs for 8 hours. No longer do we head in to work and use familiar equipment and techniques to handle our daily responsibilities, but instead we struggle with slow connection speeds, lack of our usual supplies, software that doesn't work at home the way it worked at work. No longer can we make a quick run to the grocery to pick up that one little thing we need for supper, but instead we have to deal with what we have on hand. No longer can we decide not to make supper tonight, but instead to just go out for dinner. Everything is different. Even when we're managing it well, it takes our focus and our attention in a way it didn't before.

But this is where we are now. This is how life works, for now.

So how do we deal with now?

For me, I'm dealing with it by telling myself that doing the best I can is enough. Teaching my kids something every day is enough, even if it's not what they would have been learning in school. Letting the laundry pile up a little is okay, as long as we all have clean clothes every morning. Making a dinner that everyone will eat and that contains at least some element of nutrition is enough, even if it's not what I would have preferred to make. One of my favorite sayings is, "Enough is as good as a feast." And it's true - enough is plenty. Enough is enough.

So I sit here in the dark, when I could be planning out today's lesson, or scouring my pantry for meal ideas, or sewing the costume I started before this all happened, or running a load of laundry. I could be going beyond "enough." But instead, I'm enjoying the quiet, enjoying my coffee, enjoying the birds singing, enjoying waiting for the sunrise, enjoying taking refuge in the pleasure of putting words down on a page. I'm refreshing myself by letting enough be enough.

And I am reflecting on these beautiful words of comfort, which have always been a reassurance to me in times of uncertainty in my life:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you a hope and a future."

(Jeremiah 29:11)

It's enough. 

The Struggles of an Introverted Mom

Many of my friends are extremely surprised to find out that I am an introvert. Being an introvert means that I get recharged by being alone, rather than by being in a group of people. I don’t necessarily dislike being in a large group, but I do find it exhausting rather than invigorating, and at a certain point I need to take a break away from other people to recharge my emotional batteries.

When you’re a stay-at-home mom, you don’t often get chances to be alone. Your children are always with you. To someone who is an extrovert, or who falls somewhat in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum, having small children around barely counts as having people around. But to a true introvert like myself, it can be a struggle never having a moment alone to recharge, away from your children. When I wake up in the morning, my kids are either running in to greet me or waiting for me to come and play with them. When they’re playing games, or eating lunch, or reading a book, they want me close by to keep them company. When I go in my office, or the laundry room, or the bathroom, there is nearly always a small person following me, asking where I am and what I’m doing. When it’s time for them to go to bed, they beg for me to read to them, to sing to them, to tell them a story, to come and give them just one more kiss. I am NEVER ALONE.

It’s exhausting.

But here’s the real struggle: I love being with my kids. Honestly, I adore spending time with them. I don’t want to miss that moment when they figure out how to put the puzzle together or how to sound out that long word or how to do a somersault without any help. I WANT to be with them all the time. Except for the part of me that needs a break.

Luckily, my daughter still takes a nap every afternoon, and my son is old enough to have a bit of unsupervised computer time while she sleeps. That brief window is what allows me to survive my day. For maybe half an hour, sometimes even for a whole hour, I get to sit quietly and read a book, or fold laundry, or scrub the kitchen counters, or sit in the sunshine, or take a shower, ALL BY MYSELF. I don’t have to talk to anyone, I don’t have to smile at anyone, I don’t have to acknowledge anyone. I can pretend that there is no-one else on the entire planet except me.

And after that brief interlude, I’m ready to face the world again. My batteries are recharged, my energy has returned, my spinning mind has quieted itself. I am ready to have a conversation, whether it’s with one of my children, one of their teachers, the cashier at the grocery store, my husband, my best friend, or some random mom at the playground.

And even though I can’t tell yet whether my children will turn out to be introverts like their mom or extroverts like their dad, I think they kind of like having that little break from my company, too. I just hope they don’t like it too much. Introvert or not, I still love spending as much time as I can with my children, while they are still children. There will be plenty of time for me to be alone when they’re grown up.