If Birds Were Celebrities

The other day, my husband and I were laughing at the antics of some blue jays at our bird feeder. The jays like to eat from the suet feeder, but they're much larger than the usual birds that use it, so they tend to crash land and swing crazily for a few moments. I commented to my husband, "They're big, friendly, good-looking lugs. They're like the the golden retrievers of the bird world." Then I thought for a moment, and I added, "If they were people, they'd be Gronk."

If you're not from New England, or if you're not a football fan, you might not recognize "Gronk" as former New England Patriot Rob Gronkowski, who is known for not only being an incredibly talented athlete, but also for being a hilarious, friendly goofball. He's handsome, he's clearly smart (at least in a certain way), but he's a big goof. He is, basically, a blue jay.

Blue jay = Rob Gronkowski

So, if blue jays are Gronk, what are the human equivalents of some of the other birds I frequently see at my feeder? Let's see...

The titmice are the most frequent visitors to my yard. They have a tendency to loudly make their presence known as soon as they arrive. They nearly always sound angry or out of sorts. They rarely arrive alone; they seem to move about in large families. One of their most distinctive features is their unique "hairstyle," a little crest that sticks up at the back of their head. They can get a little grating after a while, but somehow you still feel the need to watch their antics. What celebrity comes to mind who also fits that description? I have to go with...Kate Gosselin.

Titmouse = Kate Gosselin

Next, we have the hummingbirds. They are flashy, sporting bright colors and sparkly highlights. They immediately take charge of the situation and drive out all competitors wherever they go, sometimes to the point of being bullies. Sometimes they disappear for a while, but they always come back, often staring at nearby humans as if to make sure they're the center of attention. Also, they don't eat much. They are, without a doubt...Tyra Banks.

Hummingbird = Tyra Banks

One of my favorite visitors is the cardinal. The cardinal rarely makes a fuss, but somehow it's always noticed. Cardinals generally travel as a mated pair, with one of them clearly outshining the other sartorially and attracting more notice because of its bright plumage. The human equivalent of cardinals is, no doubt...Prince William and Kate Middleton (but with the genders reversed, obviously).

Cardinals = Prince William and Kate Middleton

One of the more rare visitors to my feeder is the Carolina wren. It is one of the birds that I hear frequently, but see much less often. It has a gorgeous, melodic voice that I would gladly listen to for hours, and despite its generally drab plumage, it's quite lovely to look at. Its human equivalent is...Adele.

Carolina wren = Adele

Although they don't care for the bird feeders, one of my most frequent visitors to the yard is the robin. Easily recognized by most people, the robin is known for its parenting style and will fiercely defend its young and its territory, often in a strident and unpleasant tone. Its food choices are thought by many to be rather unappetizing. The robin is...Gwyneth Paltrow.

Robin = Gwyneth Paltrow

One of the shyer and more reticent birds in my yard is the woodpecker. Starting off very nervously, the woodpecker takes some time to get comfortable with being watched. It is somewhat awkward until it feels comfortable (and sometimes even then), preferring to let others go first and lurking in the background whenever possible. Its human counterpart is...perpetual second banana Stephen Tobolowsky (aka, "Hey, it's that guy!").

Woodpecker = Stephen Tobolowsky

What do you think? Am I right, or am I right??