The Penultimate (Kind of) First Day of School

This morning, I took "First Day of School" photos of my two children on the front porch for the eleventh time. I home schooled my son for his kindergarten year, and when my daughter began public kindergarten the next year he went to first grade at public school, so it's always been the two of them. Next year will be his senior year, and therefore the last time I take a photograph of the two of them together heading off to school.  

I doubt they think of it as much of a milestone. But it's a big milestone for me. The end of high school, whether it's followed by college or work or the military, whether they live on their own or come back to live at home for a while, marks the beginning of adulthood and a new kind of independence. 

I'm reasonably sure they'll both be ready when the time comes. But me? I'm not so sure. One of my goals for this year is to let them be more in charge of managing their own schedules, getting themselves up and ready for school and other events, taking care of their own spaces around the house, doing their own laundry, staying on top of their schoolwork without much prompting from me, cooking family meals on occasion, and managing their own money. In other words, getting them up to speed on a lot of the practical "adulting skills" that they'll need when Mom isn't there to do it for them. But I also need to make sure I'm getting myself ready for when they aren't here. 

It's a very different sort of getting ready. 

What kinds of skills will I need when they're not here? As a (still relatively recent) widow, that list has changed since I originally thought out the situation. The original plan was retirement and travel. Visiting far-off friends; exploring new places. Taking up some new hobbies. Exploring new restaurants. Hiring people to get our house in shape to sell, and relocating somewhere. But now the idea of travel is less appealing. I have fewer far-off connections. I have less interest in eating or starting a hobby by myself. Selling the house might happen earlier than anticipated and in a less "polished" shape than might be ideal. I suspect I'll be tempted to be more involved in my kids' lives than I would have been if I still had a partner. My family will not be shrinking down from "me plus three" to "the two of us," but to "just me." I will no longer have family living in the house with me. (At least for a while. After that, who knows.) Learning to live with that will take some skills. 

I'm not quite sure how to develop those skills, or how to prepare for that transition. It will probably involve developing more relationships outside of my family, a task which is incredibly difficult for my introverted, socially awkward self. It might involve spending more time downsizing my stuff and researching what my steps could be, even as I'm researching what my kids' next steps could be. It will definitely involve finding my own identity outside of being a mother, even as I've had to redefine my own identity outside of being a wife. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I have time to figure it out. 

Just not quite as much time as I thought.