Weird Golden Globe Fashions That I Missed

Since I posted on the fashions of the 2013 Golden Globes last week, I’ve stumbled across photos of some fabulously awful gowns that I somehow missed. So here’s my review of some of the real missteps from this year’s Golden Globes.

Thandie Newton is a stunningly beautiful woman. And she has the legs to pull off such a short dress at a formal event. But the fact that the skirt is lined in a different color from the top serves only to emphasize the impression that her left breast appears to be going supernova. And she could have used less boring shoes.

Sienna Miller came very close to hitting the target on this one. The boxy, short, 1960s-inspired top over a straight column skirt is classic, elegant, and flattering. The color scheme is perfect with her peaches-and-cream complexion. But the fact that the flowers are three-dimensional and flopping away from the dress is too reminiscent of those swim caps that my grandmother used to wear:

This outfit also is crying out for a fabulous, brightly-colored clutch or a single, chunky bangle or ring to make it pop.

Sarah Hyland was one of many too many celebrities whose boobs were crammed into a too-small bodice. In fact, her bodice looks like it gave up the battle and popped a few pleats, because there’s no other explanation for why there are pleats only on the far left. And although belts are generally slimming, this particular belt makes it looks like her waist is actually thicker than her rib cage. The giant hair valiantly attempts to balance out the outfit, but fails miserably. Her makeup is gorgeous and flattering, though, so it wasn’t a total loss.

 

Another unfortunate trend at this year’s Golden Globes was dresses with sheer overlays over mini-skirt-length linings. Kerry Washington, Rachel Weisz, and Louise Roe all looked stunning from head to…mid-thigh. I love the silver sequined patterning on Washington’s gown overlay, the tiny satin belt and bow on Weisz’s gown, and the severe boat neck on Roe’s, but all three gowns would have been much more successful with a full-length – or at least knee-length – skirt underlay. And, in Weisz’s case, a hem that didn’t puddle messily on the ground.

There are plenty of perfectly gorgeous figures that are not flattered by clingy, metallic dresses, and unfortunately, Emily Mortimer has one of those. The straight lines of sequins do not enhance her curves and the tiny belt and shiny fabric both emphasize her (slightly) rounded belly. Her unstyled hair and bland makeup aren’t doing her any favors, either.

I won’t say much about this gown other than to say that when a dress can make Heidi Klum’s boobs look droopy and uneven, it’s a definite fashion DON’T.

It breaks my heart to include Helen Mirren on this list, because I LOVE her. I think she is absolutely stunning, and has only gotten more stunning with age. She even looks stunning in this travesty of a dress, which makes her look as if she is being attacked by an anaconda and is just waiting to be saved by another member of the motorcycle gang who gave her the studded shirt.

It’s embarrassing enough when two celebrities show up wearing almost exactly the same gown. But it’s a hundred times worse when it’s a BAD gown. And it’s a thousand times worse when it’s a bad JUMPSUIT. Neither Julia Roberts nor Kelly Lynch accessorized the outfit with anything other than cleavage, which only added to the shame. At least Lynch had soft, full curls as opposed to Julia’s limp locks.

Sometimes an awards dress is perfect when the wearer first puts it on, but it doesn’t travel well, or she can’t walk in it, or it has some kind of an accident on the way to the event. Poor Julie Bowen must have looked like a million bucks when she got into her limo in this gorgeously draped, amazingly-hued turquoise gown. But by the time she hit the red carpet, the static monster had attacked the sleeve and the skirt, there was a big pull right in the front, and the waistline was wrinkled instead of draped. Even the gorgeous stack of bangles and the contrasting clutch and shoes couldn’t save this gown from its travel woes.

There are a lot of details on Morena Baccarin’s gown that would have worked beautifully alone: the sequined center panel, the pleated skirt, the long train, the sheer sleeves, the cobalt blue color. But combined, they were much too much.

 

So the next time you look in your mirror and you’re not thrilled with what you see, remember that even the most beautiful women in the world – who have well-paid stylists and price-is-not-object budgets – don’t always look that great, either.

The 2013 Golden Globes Red Carpet Review

Last night was the Golden Globe awards, so naturally today’s blog will be a red carpet fashion review. As I glanced through some photos of the stars on the red carpet, I noticed a few trends that helped divide the nominees into neat categories, as follows:

Black Dresses

The nominees: Adele, Debra Messing, Nicole Kidman

Adele’s simple, pleated black dress with beading and lace around a simple round neckline was flattering on her barely-post-pregnancy-figure, and her beehive updo and long side bangs gave her added height (which was particularly noticeable as she towered over Al Roker during a pre-show interview). Messing’s black gown had a beautiful rippled texture, but the skirt seemed perpetually twisted, like when your pantyhose get turned around the wrong way, and the bodice was a bit overly snug. Kidman was striking in her fitted column with midriff cutouts that dropped dangerously – but gorgeously – low in the back, with very apropos gold stars around the neckline.

Winner: Nicole Kidman, hands-down.

White Dresses

The nominees: Lea Michele, Anne Hathaway, Michelle Dockery

 

Michele avoided her usual mistake of trying a bit too hard to be sexy, and hit the perfect note with a lacy, shoulder-baring halter dress slit way up to there – subtle yet sexy. Hathaway showed off her slim (perhaps even slightly consumptive, post-Les Miserables) figure in an Audrey Hepburn-esque column that suited her pixie hairstyle and beaming smile. Dockery was luminous in a clinging white gown with gold lace bodice and tiny train.

Winner: Michele by just a hair over Dockery, with her points for "most improved" nudging her ahead.

Red Dresses

The nominees: Jennifer Garner, Naomi Watts, Claire Danes

   

Garner’s textured cherry red column was drawn up at the bust, cinched in with a tiny belt, and had a hint of a train. Watts chose a deeper burgundy red that demurely hugged her curves and featured a keyhole neckline and a detached train. Danes looked statuesque in a coral red column with a plunging neckline, a hint of a train, and loose hair and minimal accessories.

Winner: Danes, for making it look soooo effortless.

Lace Dresses

The nominees: Jennifer Lopez, Emily Blunt, Amanda Seyfried 

  

Lopez, as she often does, chose a skin-colored, skin-tight dress, this time with a lace overlay. Blunt wore a sleek, vintage-looking gold lace gown with triangular cutouts at the waist. Seyfried’s bodice featured criss-crossed bands of lace creating a slight peekaboo effect, although with her long, limp locks, I half expected to see her gliding along a misty forest path at midnight.

Winner: Blunt, nearly by default simply for choosing a color that did not exactly match her skin tone.

Ball Gowns

The nominees: Jennifer Lawrence, Lucy Liu, Zooey Deschanel 

  

Lawrence wore a fire engine red, fitted-to-the hips ball gown with a narrow black belt emphasizing her tiny waist. Liu’s gown appeared to be made of the drapes from “The Sound of Music” but had a perfectly fitted bodice and crisp, bell-shaped skirt that moved beautifully, but I found her fuzzy, slept-in braid a bit distracting. Deschanel’s full, cherry-red gown had a sweetheart neckline set off by a single strand of pearls and a full skirt.

Winner: Lawrence, for having an elegance belying her newbie status.

True Couture

The nominees: Marion Cotillard, Halle Berry

 

Cotillard wore a bright orange satin dress with an asymmetrical, almost-bubble hemline and a black belt that went half under and half over the dress. Berry wore a silk, sari-inspired, single-shouldered gown with a cutout over one hip and a thigh-high slit.

Winner: Berry, because almost anyone else wearing that dress would have looked trampy instead of elegant and glamorous.

Cleavageriffic

The nominees: Jessica Chastain, Katherine McPhee, Kate Hudson

  

Chastain’s gown was a pale seafoam green that was perfect for her strawberry locks and china-doll complexion, but the front was a bit too loose and drapey for such a plunging neckline which her made double-sided tape work overtime. McPhee’s black satin gown had a more “constructed” look that stayed in place nicely and a peekaboo slit in the smooth skirt. Kate Hudson’s black column with gold accents on the wide belt and highlighting the plunging keyhole neckline clung to her figure in all the right places.

Winner: Hudson, because sometimes less is more – and more is less.

A for Effort, F for Effect

There were very few clunkers among the crowd. In fact I could only come up with a single nominee for this category: Lena Dunham. On someone else, this gown might have worked. It’s an interesting warm chocolate brown color, and has lovely seaming forming graceful, flattering lines. But the square, off-the-shoulders cut of the neckline makes her look as broad-shouldered as a football player, and her obvious lack of practice walking in high heels made her look like a trucker as she tromped and tottered across the stage to claim her awards. This was a perfect example of not matching the gown to the wearer.

 

Best B-Lister

The nominees: Nicole Richie, Stacey Keibler, Kelley Osborne

  

Richie’s sky-blue lace column was simple and flattering, with demure long sleeves and round neck and the tiniest puddle of a train. Keibler’s black velvet sheath was ringed with silver sequins. Osborne’s palest green corset gown had a ruffled sweetheart neckline and was perfectly fitted down to the knees, but then descended into an unfinished-looking mess of fabric at the hem.

Winner: Keibler, assisted as always by having the best accessory of all, George Clooney.