Saturday, November 9, 2013

Terrorized by a Turkey

(This story actually happened to a person of my acquaintance. Incriminating details have been changed to protect the turkey-traumatized.)

Once upon a time, a woman got in her car to drive to work. It was an ordinary day, much like any other. As she usually did, she checked her messages on the way. As she usually did, she pulled into the parking lot of her place of business and got out of her car, keys in hand, ready to unlock the door and prepare for her clients to arrive. But as she approached, she noticed a sinister shadow lurking in front of her office door. She heard a quiet, ominous sound, rather like…gobbling. There, in front of her very eyes, shaking his blood-red wattle and cocking his beady orange eyes at her, she saw…a turkey.

She screamed.

She stepped closer to the turkey. He took a step closer to her and raised himself to his full height of one and a half – no, two and a half – no, THREE AND A HALF FEET!!!

She got back in her car. Quickly. She beeped at it. It ignored her. She beeped at it again, longer and louder this time. It continued to ignore her.

She called the police.

No, not 9-1-1. Calling 9-1-1 over a marauding turkey would be CRAZY. Calling the regular police station number, however, is apparently a valid option. Unfortunately, the police officer who took the call did not agree that this was a police-worthy situation. He did, however, offer to call Animal Control, but was unable to say whether they would respond and how long it would take if they did. 

She hung up.

Expecting her first client any minute, she became more and more desperate to rid her office entryway of this foul fowl. She recalled that this morning’s first client’s father was a detective. She was relieved at the thought. Surely a detective would know how to handle a turkey!!! Sure enough, a moment later her client pulled in with her father. As they got out of the car, she approached him and asked for his assistance. (She was vaguely hysterical by this time, and the detective explained later that her plea for help consisted mainly of flapping her arms, spinning in circles, and repeatedly blurting out the word “TURKEY!” while pointing towards her office door.)

Once he figured out what the problem was, he was happy to put his professional experience to work in ousting the unwelcome visitor. As he walked toward the turkey (it is not clear whether he was walking menacingly or just, well, walking), the turkey ambled away. The detective gallantly offered to stay for a while to be sure the miscreant did not attempt to return.

There have been no turkey sightings since that time. What was it that scared him off? Was it the mere presence of someone wearing a police badge? Was it the threat of physical harm by an able-bodied man? Was it the rapid approach of Thanksgiving?

The world may never know.


(But personally, I think it was the turkey dance.)

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