Transitions

As a parent, I am always amazed by the way my kids seem to mature in bursts. They start out as helpless blobs, then suddenly they develop a personality all their own. They're babies for a while, then suddenly they turn into toddlers with independent wills. After toddlerhood there's a sudden transition into being little kids. And then big kids. And now, both of mine have had another sudden lurch, this time into middle school-dom. 

It's a funny age, middle school. A combination of tweens and teens, starting to pull away from family bonds and transition into friends as their primary social connection. Independent in many ways, but still very dependent on parents and needing support for getting schoolwork done, managing their schedules, getting places, nudging them into good habits for hygiene and studying and time management. They're not really responsible adults yet, but they're not really helpless children, either. It's a time of transition. 

And the transition isn't just for them; it's a big transition for their parents, too. Suddenly I'm not as necessary as I was. My kids don't need me to manage their social lives; they'll head over to a friend's house unprompted or arrange a meet-up at the park on their bikes. I don't need to sit with them while they do their homework, I can just give it a quick once-over when they're done. Instead of me deciding they'll take gymnastics or dance classes or be in a play, they tell me they want to join a club or a team or take a class. My role as a parent, although even more crucial than ever, is transitioning into making fewer decisions. I'm no longer the drill sergeant controlling every move, I'm simply the overseer making sure tasks are completed and occasionally offering guidance when there's a problem.

Parenting, in many ways, is planned obsolescence. It's essentially training your children to take over your job. In other words, my whole job is to work my way out of my job.

As any parent will tell you, that letting go is not easy. It's like the first time your child rides a bike without training wheels: you have to let go, even knowing that a crash is inevitable once you do. Children can't learn independence without a crash now and then. The crash will teach them more than the training wheels will, or can. And if you catch them instead of letting them crash, or hold them back from the chance to crash, they'll continue to expect to be caught and they won't develop the confidence to ride unassisted. You need to let go so they learn they can do it on their own, even if it takes a few tries (and a few crashes). 

It's hard to watch your kids struggle, or make mistakes, or get hurt. Of course we want to protect our children from all that. But pain is part of how we learn, and pain is part of adult life, so without that pain, they'll never learn to navigate life on their own. The transition from being a parent who protects their small child from the pain that comes with life into the parent who allows their older child to deal with (and learn from) the pain that comes with life is one of the hardest parts of parenting. 

It is also one of the most satisfying. Because the result is children who can think for themselves, children who have the confidence to make decisions on their own, children who can cope with the difficulties that life throws at them. Children who make their parents proud. Children who become adults who begin the cycle all over again as parents who raise confident, competent, independent children. Children who we, as grandparents, get to enjoy watching transition through all those stages. 

Not a bad reward, that.