My Christmas To-Do List(s)

If you’re anything like me, around this time of year you start to make a to-do list for the upcoming holidays. It probably looks something like this:

• Dig around in attic to find all 27 boxes of Christmas decorations

• Assemble and decorate Christmas tree

• Set up antique nativity scene in location unreachable by children

• Borrow neighbor’s 40-foot ladder to hang icicles

• Check all 300 strands of lights to see which ones work and which ones you saved to cannibalize for spare bulbs

• Dig out secret family recipes for the 34 kinds of cookies requested by various family members; make and freeze dough for frantic last-minute baking

• Purchase two exactly identical Advent calendars and fill with exactly identical candies to avoid sibling wars (goal: December 1; actual: December 7)

• Buy present for family Yankee Swap, appropriate for any age and gender, $10 maximum

• Shop for Christmas outfits for both kids since they already grew out of the ones you bought at last year’s after-Christmas sale

• Plan and shop for Christmas dinner

• Attend Christmas Eve candlelight services; make sure children don’t set hymnals on fire

• Convince children to write letters to Santa in order to determine their must-have presents for the year

• Shop for those must-have toys at 8 different malls

• Hide purchased presents in places inaccessible to children; make sure I remember where these places are

• Go through CD collection and place appropriate Christmas music selection in each car

• Shop for, wrap, pack, and mail gifts to faraway relatives (goal: November 24; actual: December 24)

• Assemble multiple toys for children on Christmas Eve; allow time for disassembling and reassembling in the case the item does not fit through the doorway or is assembled backwards

• Remind husband that every gift on his Amazon Wish List costs either $1800 or $3.50; warn him that coal in his stocking is imminent if situation is not remedied

Making a list like this seems like it should help to eliminate some of the stress of the season. After all, if you’re organized enough, nothing can come up as a last-minute emergency, right? But for me, looking at a list like this just makes me feel overwhelmed and inadequate. How on earth can I get all these things done in the short few weeks between now and Christmas? And what will my family and friends think of me if I DON’T get it all done??

So I decided to make a different Christmas to-do list. This list helps to remind me what Christmas is really about, and what is most important to celebrate.

•  Tell children why the family Christmas decorations are so special; show them photos of my childhood Christmas tree

•  Sing Christmas carols with children while decorating the Christmas tree

•  Set up unbreakable nativity scene for children; help them act out the Christmas story. Allow the sheep to speak in a human voice and do not question Magi named Chase, Marshall, and Sky

•  Invite neighbors over for a cup of coffee and store-bought Christmas cookies

•  Admire the glow of the strings of light on houses throughout my neighborhood

•  Bake sugar cookies with the kids; tell them about baking cookies with my mom when I was their age; allow them to decorate sugar cookies with 33 red hots and half a pound of green sugar per cookie if desired

•  Take turns reading part of the Christmas story every morning when opening the doors on the Advent calendars; talk about what it must have felt like for Mary and Joseph

•  Enjoy listening to family stories at annual family Christmas party, even ones I’ve heard 100 times before

•  Look at photos from last Christmas and marvel at how much the children have grown and changed since last year

•  Add some extra groceries to my cart and donate to local food bank

•  Attend Christmas Eve candlelight services; watch the children’s glowing, candlelit, wonder-filled faces instead of worrying that they’ll set the hymnals on fire

•  Enjoy the delight and wonder of my children’s belief in Santa

•  Let the kids each pick out a toy to donate to Toys for Tots

•  Worry less about the gifts I’m buying and concentrate more on the people I’m buying them for

•  Sit in the living room with a cup of cocoa, soft Christmas music playing, and no lights on except the ones on the Christmas tree and the snow village

•  Pray for faraway relatives; enjoy photos of their holiday preparations

•  Appreciate the hours my parents spent assembling multiple toys for me when I was a child

•   Remind husband and children that they are precious gifts to me

I’m pretty sure those are to-do’s I can get done. 

The Poetry of Languages

This morning, I stumbled across this fascinating article, written by Ana Menendez, a native Spanish speaker who teaches a poetry course in English at a university in the Netherlands. Not surprisingly, the topic concerns how multilingual writers express themselves in various languages. At the end of the article, she describes an exercise she gives her (mostly multilingual) students in which they are given a poem written in a foreign language (one which none of them speaks) and asks them to translate it, based purely on the sound and rhythm of the words. She then gives them a computer-generated translation (think of all those horribly bad translations that Facebook suggests) and has them re-translate it into poetry similar to the original.

This exercise sounded fascinating to me, particularly as I am woefully monolingual, speaking only my native English fluently, able to get some basic ideas across in German, and understanding a mere handful of words and phrases in Spanish, French, and Shona.

The author mentioned that she used a short poem in Turkish by Nazim Hikmet, so after a little googling, I came up with a poem written by Hikmet which was printed in Turkish without an accompanying translation. The title is simply “Bugun Pazar.”

Bugun pazar.

Bugun beni ilk defa gunese cikardilar.

Ve ben omrumde ilk defa gokyuzunun 

                                bu kadar benden uzak

                      bu kadar mavi

                      bu kadar genis oldguna sasarak

                      kimildamadan durdum.

Sonra saygiyla topraga oturdum,

dayadim sirtimi duvara.

Bu anda ne dusmek dalgalara,

bu anda ne kavga, ne hurriyet, ne karim.

Toprak, gunes ve ben...

Bahtiyarim...

I was not certain that I had ever heard Turkish being spoken, although one of my niece’s college friends is Turkish, so I had an idea of what Turkish-accented English sounds like. However, I found a YouTube link entitled “Turkish in Three Minutes,” and I listened to it several times before attempting to read the poem aloud. I certainly didn’t learn to speak Turkish, but I did get enough of a feel for the cadence and sound formation of the language to be able to get an idea (I think) of what this poem would sound like if spoken aloud. At some point, I may ask my niece’s friend Zeynep to read it to me, so I can find out how horribly I butchered it. But for this exercise, I wanted only my own pathetic attempt as a starting point.

My first impression was that this is a sad poem. I think this is mainly based on the final two lines, both of which end with ellipses. Something about the trailing off of an idea, particularly the single word in the final line, sounds incomplete, unfinished, and sad. I felt like there was a sense of loss, perhaps the loss of a loved one, or perhaps an important opportunity missed.

The next aspect of the poem that struck me was the repetition of several phrases beginning with the word or syllable “bu”: bugun, bu kadar, bu anda; as well as the repetition of the word “ne” near the end of the poem. My immediate thought was that “ne” must be some kind of negative word, perhaps meaning “without”. This fit nicely with my “sad” theme. Whatever “bu anda” is, it is without a lot of things. Perhaps without hope, without love, without friends.

Finally, the word “dayadim” jumped out at me, reminding me of the English word “diadem”. The quote, “Heavy is the head that wears the crown” came to mind, and this idea became the anchor of my translation. I decided that the poem would be the sadness of a prince whose parents had died, leaving him to step into the monarchy and lead his country while grieving, taking on heavy responsibilities and an isolated role immediately upon losing his emotional support.

The lines that the poem hinged on, in my interpretation, were these:

Bu anda ne dusmek dalgalara,

bu anda ne kavga, ne hurriyet, ne karim.

So I began my “translation” there and with the first line of the poem. Perhaps “bu” referred to the monarchy, with “bugun” meaning king, “bu kadar” meaning queen, and “bu anda” meaning prince. “Pazar,” then, could mean orphan, making the title of the poem “The Orphan King.” I translated the lines above as follows:

A prince without loving family,
a prince without friends, without time, without hope.

Back to the beginning of the poem, I began to translate the first couplet:

Bugun beni ilk defa gunese cikardilar.

Ve ben omrumde ilk defa gokyuzunun 

The king is dead these many years.
His loyal subjects mourned him long ago.

The next section seemed to rhyme the first and third lines, so I attempted to echo that pattern.

bu kadar benden uzak

                      bu kadar mavi

                      bu kadar genis oldguna sasarak

                      kimildamadan durdum.

The queen now lies under the earth
                the queen mother
                the queen who gave birth
                to the promised son.

The next section seemed more complex, with another repeated rhyme in the second and third lines, and the first rhyming with the last line of the previous section. I had already translated the last two lines, but would need to rewrite them to achieve this rhyme scheme, along changing “son” to “heirs” in the previous line.

Sonra saygiyla topraga oturdum,

dayadim sirtimi duvara.

Bu anda ne dusmek dalgalara,

bu anda ne kavga, ne hurriyet, ne karim.

A young man hides the grief he bears,
the crown will be his tomorrow.
A prince without escape from his sorrow,
a prince without friends, without hope, without relief.

And finally, the last two lines of the poem, the ones that felt so empty and unfinished to me. What is the soon-to-be king thinking?

Toprak, gunes ve ben...

Bahtiyarim...

Bravely, he accepts his fate…
Loneliness…

Putting the whole translation together, the result is this:

The Orphan King
The king is dead these many years.
His loyal subjects mourned him long ago.
The queen now lies under the earth
                the queen mother
                the queen who gave birth
                to the promised heirs.
A young man hides the grief he bears,
the crown will be his tomorrow.
A prince without escape from his sorrow,
a prince without friends, without hope, without relief.
Bravely, he accepts his fate…
Loneliness…

I have to say, I kind of like it. But is it anything at all close to what the poet actually wrote? Let’s find out! According to Google Translate, here’s what it really means:

It's Sunday.

Today they were coming out my first time to the sun.

And the sky for the first time in my life I

                                so far away from me

                      so blue

                      wondering about this so that

                      I stood still.

Then I sat on the ground with respect,

dayadim my back wall. (a separate dictionary search finally translated this word as "to put")

At this moment, what waves to shower,

What a fight this time, neither liberty, nor wife.

Soil, sun and I...

I'm fortunate...

Oops.

Not even close. The feeling is precisely opposite to what I felt. So I tried to throw off my initial translation and rewrite the basic meaning in this poor translation into something more poetic, and something that fit the rhyme scheme of the original. I started by simply rewriting, without paying attention to the rhymes.

It is Sunday.

Today the sun came out for the first time

For the first time in my life I saw the sky

                              so far away from me

                    so blue

                    I was astonished

                    I stood still.

Then I sat on the ground in reverence,

I leaned my back against the wall.

At this moment, waves of thought wash over me,

I fight against them, I have not liberty, nor wife.

Only soil, sun, and myself...

I am blessed...

Finally, I went back to try and fit this new version to the original rhyme.

It is Sunday.

Today the sun came out for the first time

For the first time in my life I saw the sky

                                  so far away from me

                        so blue

                        I was in a reverie

                        I stood in silence.

Then I sat on the ground in reverence,

I leaned my back against the wall.

At this moment, waves of thought wash away all,

I fight against them, I have not liberty, nor wife.

Only soil, sun, and myself...

I am blessed...

Time to compare my version to that of a professional translator, one who is fluent in both Turkish and English as well as a gifted writer and poet.

Today is Sunday.
For the first time they took me out into the sun today.
And for the first time in my life I was aghast
that the sky is so far away
and so blue
and so vast
I stood there without a motion.
Then I sat on the ground with respectful devotion
leaning against the white wall.
Who cares about the waves with which I yearn to roll
Or about strife or freedom or my wife right now.
The soil, the sun and me...
I feel joyful and how.

I think it’s beautiful in every version, don’t you?

Thanksgiving Prep for Slightly Anal People

I love hosting Thanksgiving dinner. Not only is everything on the standard menu on my “favorites” list, but the vast majority of dishes are really not that complicated to make. Other than carving the turkey, which my husband is in charge of, there are no fancy culinary techniques required. There is nothing that requires long, laborious standing at the stove and stirring or checking or testing. The peas, squash, gravy, and rolls are merely heated. The mashed potatoes and creamed onions have just a few ingredients tossed in and mixed up. Even the turkey is pretty much shoved into the oven and forgotten about until the timer goes off. The most labor-intensive dish is probably the dressing, and even that takes only a few minutes. Even the preparation of the ingredients – and yes, after all my years of watching competitive cooking shows, I do mentally refer to it as my mise en place – can be done quickly and easily the night before.

The only thing that makes preparing the Thanksgiving meal complicated, for me, is getting the timing right. It’s like a high school math word problem: If the turkey takes 1-1/2 hours at 475 degrees, and the dressing takes 15 minutes at 350 degrees, how many hours will the potatoes need in the crock pot on high if the guests are 15 minutes late and it takes 8-1/2 minutes to carve the bird?

But I find the scheduling to be a fun challenge. Every year, I carefully get out all my recipes and write up a timeline, starting with the time I want my guests to sit down to dinner, and calculating backwards. I always start with my template from the year before, so it’s rare that I have to do much more than tweak a few times. But this year, my husband and I decided to get wild and crazy and spatchcock our turkey. Yes, I admit that this is a recipe that requires some degree of technique, since it involves butterflying the turkey by cutting out the backbone and laying it spreadeagled (spreadturkeyed??) on a roasting pan. 

Before and after – it looks pretty ridiculous both ways, but at least the “after” version looks like it’s wearing an expensive coat.

The idea is that this allows the meat to cook more evenly and the skin to become nicely crispy all over, since it increases the surface area of the bird as well as decreasing its thickness. It makes such a difference that the roasting time for the turkey drops from my usual 6 or so hours down to a mere 1-1/2. My usual early Thanksgiving morning routine - even before my first cup of coffee!! - involved preheating the oven, slathering the turkey with oil and wrestling it into the oven, grabbing a cup of coffee (phew), then taking the turkey back out, flipping it over, stuffing it, wrapping it with foil, lowering the oven temperature, wrestling it back in, then several hours later wrestling it out again, unwrapping the foil, draining off the juices, lowering the oven temperature yet again, and finally throwing it back in for a bit longer sans foil to let the skin turn golden brown. This complicated recipe always resulted in a moist, delicious, nicely-browned turkey, but I’m ready to try something a bit less involved this year, in the hopes that the results will be equally delicious but less time-consuming. So this year’s turkey routine involves a night-before backbone-ectomy and dry brining with kosher salt, a quick rub with oil and spices right before tossing it into the oven around noon and then ignoring it until it’s time to take it out just after the guests arrive.

So the technique is easier (well, my part of it is, anyway; my poor husband is in charge of the backbone-ectomy), but the math is harder. It changes the schedule enough that I decided to toss last year’s template and start from scratch. Let’s see, the guests should arrive at 2pm, so the turkey should be carved at 2:30pm. But the turkey needs to rest for 20 minutes, so it should come out of the oven at 2:10pm, which means it should go IN the oven 1-1/2 hours earlier, at 12:40pm. But the oven has to be preheated to 450 by then, so add “12:20pm – Oven on to 450” to the schedule. And it will take a few minutes to rub the turkey with the oil, so add “12:15pm – prep turkey” to the list. I go through my entire menu, dish by dish, figuring out what prep needs to start at what time, adding in the little tasks that can be done at any time (such as “slice the cranberry sauce,” “set the table,” and “lay out crescent rolls on baking pan”) during whatever vacant windows of time appear. This also helped me realize that I have several dishes, including my appetizer, rolls, and dressing, which are supposed to be baked at the same time as the turkey but at a much lower temperature. This was never a problem in years past, as my turkey roasted at the same temperature called for by these dishes, so I always just popped them in right alongside the bird. A few quick calculations were needed to figure out whether any of them can be baked while the turkey is resting (yes for rolls and dressing, no for apps), and how long those that can’t should be baked at the higher temp.

For anyone who’s curious as to what exactly a Thanksgiving schedule written by a highly organized but rather tightly wound cook looks like, here’s what mine looks like this year:

Day/night before: Cut up dressing ingredients & sweet peppers for dip, make creamed onions, make pumpkin pie. Butterfly and dry brine turkey in fridge overnight.

9:00am: Peel and chop potatoes, put squash in pot to thaw

9:15am: Start crock pot potatoes

12:15pm: Preheat oven to 450, sprinkle turkey with pepper and rub with oil & paprika

12:40pm: Turkey in oven

1:00pm: Make stuffing, slice cranberry sauce

1:15pm: Check potatoes, mash and finish, leave on warm, make dip

1:40pm: Make gravy, prep crescent rolls, dip in oven

2:00pm: GUESTS ARRIVE, dip out of oven and serve

2:10pm: Turkey out and rest under foil, temp down to 375, boil peas, heat onions and squash

2:20pm: Crescent rolls & dressing in

2:30pm: Crescent rolls & dressing out, carve turkey

2:40pm: Sit down to dinner

I bet that right now, some of you who are reading this are nodding and thinking about your own similar schedules. And I bet that others of you are thinking, “I need to do this!” But I bet that the majority of you are laughing at how crazy I am. And that’s okay. I embrace my crazy; it gets dinner to the table on time.

But if you REALLY want to see crazy, you should check out the way I organize my serving dishes and utensils…

2015 AMA Red Carpet Review

The American Music Awards are always an interesting fashion event. The country contingent leans toward the casual; the mainline pop stars often aim for sexy and edgy; the metal and punk artists range from couture tuxedos to blinged-out grunge. It’s just a wide and fascinating range of fashion. And, as is true of every red carpet event, some looks are a ringing success and some are just a mess. Here are a few of the hits and misses from this year’s AMA red carpet.

Paula Abdul defies her age in this sleek sequined minidress. The gold detail at the neck adds both flash and modesty to the wide-open plunging neckline, and the dress is snug without being tight. The hem hits at exactly the right spot to make her legs look a mile long without coming off as trashy. I’d love to see a scarlet or metallic gold clutch as an accessory, but otherwise, this look is terrific.

Art deco patterns have been popular at red carpet events for the past couple of years, and there were a number in evidence at the AMAs this year (including a metallic gold number worn by host Jennifer Lopez), but Ciara’s see-through black gown was the best example of the style. Revealing without crossing the line into bad taste, the mix of triangles and curves, of covered up and open, of clinging and train results in a gorgeous, flattering, unique look. 

Nina Dobrev’s look was, hands down, my favorite look of the night. The stark white column and off-the-shoulder jacket with sequined floral accents, deep slit, fabulous strappy black-and-white pumps has only long drop earrings, shampoo commercial waves, and a bright pink manicure as accessories - simple, smooth, and sexy. Coco Chanel once said, “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.” Dobrev was definitely listening. 

Selena Gomez also rocked a simple – and simply fabulous – column dress. Her scarlet, mid-calf sequined column has a high halter neck and a short slit. I didn’t love the heavy corded details along the sides of the halter, but the sleek straight hair, restrained makeup, and strappiest of black sandals more than made up for that minor detail. Simple but spectacular.

I think I would have loved Gigi Hadid’s look if the front opening had been just a bit narrower – it simply draws too much focus with that huge expanse of skin. But I love the lines of the halter, with the double straps on each side and the criss-cross lacing, and the broad curved slit falling into a soft, graceful puddle at the hem. The white isn’t perfectly flattering with her skin and hair, and a tiny pop of soft color or even metallic gold or silver in lips, bag, or shoes would have amped it up a bit. Not a bad look, but it could have used a few minor modifications. 

Julianne Hough wore another example of art deco styling. I love the carwash paneling in the skirt, but the muted colors and the demure t-shirt cut of the bodice are a bit bland. And again, the colors are not the most flattering with Hough’s skin and hair. Close, but not quite. 

Demi Lovato is barely recognizable (but not in a bad way!) in a marcelled bob, dark lips, and a simple, skin-tight, wide-necked, brown-on-brown, vaguely camo-patterned gown. By all rights, this look should be boring, but Lovato absolutely sells it, with the smoldering expression and the powerful hand-on-hip stance. I’m not even going to quibble about the weird black tape on her left hand. She gets a 10 from me for sheer confidence alone. 

Jenny McCarthy often goes off the rails with style, but this isn’t a bad look. The thigh-high coral red suede boots (with matching Santa belt) are beyond fabulous, and the simple halter dress with side pleated skirt moves beautifully and shows off her figure without flashing cleavage or thighs. The overprocessed blonde hair with ratty extensions and faded roots isn’t the best accessory, but seriously, with those boots on, nobody is looking at her hair. 

Oh, Alanis Morissette. If you have a stylist, you need to fire her or him NOW. The tight leather bodice might have been okay, but joining it to a high-waisted A-line skirt with sequined pocket outlines was just mean. At least wrap a crushed sash around your waist to give it some definition. Honey, you oughta know by now: you deserve to look so much better than this. 

Giuliana Rancic’s gown was a more subtle nod to art deco style. I love the barely see-through delicate starburst pattern radiating down from mid-thigh in the skirt, echoed by the lines of the bodice and sleeves. This gown is nicely proportioned to Rancic’s slight frame, and the black and silver tones work well with her coloring, A lovely look for her. 

Gwen Stefani’s look was kind of…fanciful Goth, maybe? I actually love the flared chiffon sleeves that form a kind of capelet and the corset with peplum, and the lines of the trumpet skirt and train are fabulous. The thick black choker and “bump-it” hairstyle pull the retro look together nicely. The only part I really don't like is the exposed thighs and visible leotard bottom. I wish the skirt had been peekaboo instead of purely see-through, or even had an opaque black miniskirt underneath, either of which would have smoothed the line of the skirt. But Stefani still looks like a million bucks. 

I’m not a big fan of rompers, but Hailee Steinfeld pulls off this black-and-white striped outfit quite nicely. The retro brass buttons and cobalt platforms and clutch add a bit of color and flash, and the long dark wavy hair fills in the plunging neckline and draws the eye up rather nicely. All in all, a cute vintage-inspired look.

I probably wouldn’t have chosen silver for Rebel Wilson, but this dress looks wonderful on her. From the retro 60s hair to the gracefully gathered in to the waist silver lame, to the adorable bright pink candy bag, Rebel owns this look. I’d have loved to have seen bright pink pumps to match the bag, but otherwise this was a terrific look. 

Speaking of bright pink pumps, Zendaya pairs hers with a sweet, buttoned-down pink lace minidress. I love the “schoolgirlishness” of the long-sleeved, collared, ruffled bodice when paired with the ridiculously short skirt and killer heels. She hits a great balance of sexy yet age-appropriate.

Honestly, I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t see any fashion trainwrecks at the AMAs! Wait, I take that back. I forgot I saw this.

Ummmm…nice shoes?

Awesome Christmas Projects I'll Never Do

I am dedicating today’s blog entry to all the people who, like me, love to look up beautiful and creative Christmas crafts that – let’s be honest, here – they will never, EVER, actually make. I am always finding great ideas in craft stores, on Pinterest, even in other people’s houses, that I would love to do, that I am perfectly capable of doing, but that I am quite certain I never actually will do. I can’t claim that it’s because I don’t have the time, because some of these projects could easily be done in an afternoon, many of them with the help (well, “help”) of my children. I can’t claim it’s because I don’t have the supplies, because many of them use common household materials. I suppose I should just come right out and admit that it’s probably because I’m lazy. Or at least because I would feel guilty about spending time making these projects when I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a laundry hamper full of dirty clothes and a husband who’d like to have some adult conversation with me sometime this month. But whatever the reason, I still enjoy looking at the pictures and pretending that someday I might possibly create these items to decorate my home for the holidays. So if you enjoy looking and dreaming, too, please enjoy these creative holiday projects which will never, ever grace your home unless someone more motivated than you makes them for you as a gift.

Progressive Nativity Scenes

The wife of my former pastor collects nativity scenes. She must have a hundred of them. At Christmastime, her husband’s church is filled with her nativities, tucked into every nook and cranny imaginable. She has painted wooden ones, carved stone ones, gilt-trimmed ceramic ones, crystal ones, straw ones, rustic ones, artistic ones, simple ones, detailed ones. Her collection would be perfect for making this progressive nativity. Instead of a single scene, as most of us have, this corner cabinet has carefully printed verses and corresponding scenes that begin with Mary being visited by the angel, then giving birth in the manger, then the Christ Child being worshipped by the shepherd, and finally the arrival of the Magi. It’s lovely, it’s meaningful, and even if I had four different (or four identical, which is what the original creator seems to have had) nativity sets, I would never manage to set this up. It’s about all I can do to hang my tinfoil-covered cardboard star over my manger scene. The fact that my husband and I have spent 8 Christmases together and only got an angel for our nativity scene last February should be proof enough that this will never happen in my house. But it’s a nice thought.

Fridge (or Door) Snowman

I love this idea. I think it is incredibly cute. And really, all you need is a few circles cut out of black construction paper, a few rectangles made of green and red construction paper, and a carrot cut from orange construction paper. The hat isn’t even necessary!! But here’s the problem: I have a stainless steel fridge with French doors and a bright green front door. I cannot be bothered to cover either one with huge pieces of white paper. I guess my kids will have to be content with making real snowmen or taping tiny black paper circles to an ordinary-sized sheet of white paper. It’s another cute idea that will just never happen in my house.

Advent Calendars

Oh my goodness, there must be 100 times the number of homemade advent calendar options as there are days in the advent calendar. Back when I was single and childless and many of my family and friends had young children, I found directions for an adorable DIY felt advent calendar and made sets for several families. Now that I have my own children, I admit that I am grateful to the friend who gives me two chocolate-filled, store-bought advent calendars every year. As much as I would love for my children to read a pithy Bible verse each day in December and add a character to the manger scene, I am relieved that they can eat a Hershey’s kiss and see a picture of Santa and his reindeer every day instead. I want them to know the Bible story, but I have no problem with Santa presenting them with chocolate if it means I didn’t have to cut a thousand tiny shapes out of felt and attack them with my glue gun. I love my glue gun and all, but I have other things to do between Thanksgiving and December 1st. If Hershey’s gives me a shortcut, hooray for Hershey’s.

Christmas Cards

The first year I was married, my husband and I debated whether or not we would start a tradition of sending Christmas cards. My parents always had; I had sent a few, although mainly I sent “virtual cards,” preferably the Jacqui Lawson interactive cards. Sending a physical greeting card, with a family photo or a Bible verse or a lovely winter scene, was just not our thing. We ended up not bothering and just sending friends Facebook greetings or emails or posting a cute family photo on Google Plus for all to enjoy. Christmas cards have become rather passé, and we have let them fall by the wayside, for better or for worse. I often have wonderful ideas of how we could dress everyone up and take a lovely photo to use for a Christmas card, but even when that has actually happened (grand total of times: 1), it ends up just being posted on Facebook with love for all. I can live with that.

Sock Snowmen

I have a very large bag of unmatched socks on top of my clothes dryer; I certainly have enough orphaned socks to make an army of sock snowmen. But as adorable and as easy as they are, this will never happen. Hope springs eternal that every sock in my “orphan sock bag” will find its mate. I simply can’t bring myself to admit defeat and use any of these poor lost socks as a project. I just know that the instant I do, their mate will magically appear in the next load of laundry. So as cute as these snowmen are, I can never bring myself to make them, for fear that their mates will then appear, and the sweet smiles on their faces will turn into accusing stares of betrayal.

Fingerprint/Handprint Ornaments

Ornaments with children’s fingerprints and handprints are a lovely keepsake that parents love to pass on to the children who made them, many years later. However, the number of attempts required to result in a single, usable, non-disastrous ornament is at least in the double digits, if not the triple. Convincing a small child to dip just a fingertip in paint or to stand still long enough to coat his or her entire hand evenly with paint is next to impossible. And, of course, once the child’s part is finally done, the parent needs to have a steady enough hand to add the required details: reindeer antlers, eyes, a red nose; snowmen’s buttons, coal smiles, carrot noses, and stick arms. Any parent who has not started drinking heavily by the time a successful part A is achieved is a better human being than I. I’ll leave this type of ornament to brave preschool teachers.

Anything Involving Glitter

I blame Martha Stewart for this “cover everything in glitter” trend. Ornaments, bottles, mugs, branches, popsicle sticks, the family dog…you name it, someone on Pinterest has directions on how to cover it in glitter. But here’s the problem with glitter: IT NEVER GOES AWAY. If you use glitter in your house once, you will find bits of glitter hanging around for the next century. You’ll find some, days later, stuck in your belly button and in your hair. Weeks later, you’ll still be sweeping it from the kitchen floor. Months later, it’ll still be appearing in the carpet. Years later, you’ll pull up a rug or bring a box down from the attic or empty out the tank of the hot water heater, and BOOM! More glitter. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. Nope, no glitter for this mama if I can avoid it.

Decoupage

If you were alive during the 1970s, you know the words “Mod Podge.” You may even have watched a craft show on television called “Mod Podge Lodge.” In this show, chirpy, cheerful hosts used industrial quality paper mache (brand name Mod Podge) to adhere bits of wallpaper, old greeting cards, Epsom salts, glitter, or old photographs to every smooth surface imaginable. This technique, officially called “decoupage,” has fallen somewhat by the wayside, yet it still reappears during the Christmas season every year. You can decoupage old tiles to create drink coasters, you can decoupage Styrofoam balls to create tree ornaments, you can decoupage old plates to make serving platters, you can decoupage wine bottles to create “elegant” vases. Unfortunately, as lovely as really good decoupage can be, most of the world’s population is capable only of mediocre, at best, decoupage. And mediocre decoupage is…well, not so lovely. Not to mention that it is very, VERY messy. I think I’ll leave decoupaging back in the 70s, where it belongs.

But there is one cute, creative, and festive Christmas craft that I can manage: a snowman kit. Three marshmallows, a handful of chocolate chips, a few pretzel sticks, a candy corn left over from Halloween, and a spoonful of white frosting.

 You don’t even have to put it together – you just dump all the pieces into a Ziploc baggie, give it to someone as a gift, and let them do the work. That’s about what I can handle for crafts in December.