Oh, Pinterest, You Get Me (Except When You Don’t)

I love trying to figure out why Pinterest puts certain pins on my homepage. Some of them are obvious: when I’ve been pinning a lot of homeschool ideas, it suggests kids’ crafts, science projects, and math games. When I’ve been writing a lot of cocktail blogs, it pulls up bartending recipes. When I hunt for crockpot recipes, it comes up with lots of slow cooker sites.

But sometimes, it’s so off base that I have no idea what it’s thinking. Let me give you a few examples of pins that are right on target and pins that are way off in the weeds.

Right now, among the first pins on my homepage are recipes for “One Skillet Chicken with Lemon Garlic Cream Sauce” (yum), “Crack Pie” (I know, but YUM), honey butter roasted carrots, and baked teriyaki chicken tenders. 

I would absolutely give any of those recipes a try. But there are also recipes for “Roasted Vegetable Quinoa” (blech), “5 Minute Vegan Kale Pesto” (insert cat hork noises here), and broccoli tots (Pinterest, have you even met me??).

Even though I wouldn’t eat any of those latter three recipes, I suppose I can see where they came from. I did search for vegetarian recipes a while back.

A few pins do have a vague connection that I can figure out if I think about it. Like those horrible “dress yoga pants” that pretend to be actual business attire while actually being yoga pants. 

(Newsflash: They still look like yoga pants, they just have unflattering pocket flaps.) I do post regularly about wearing yoga pants, but I wouldn’t wear them to an office, even if they did have pocket flaps. Or how about that recipe for “pet Kombucha”, which is apparently some kind of fermented probiotic tea? I’d never drink the stuff in a million years, but at a certain level it could be considered a valid science experiment, so there you go.

But there are some pins that have no connection whatsoever to anything I’ve ever pinned, looked at, searched for, or even considered offline.

Like an ad for the Dollar Shave Club. I am quite certain that I’ve never searched for razors online. I’ve never bought them on Amazon. I don’t even use them that often this time of year (TMI, sorry). Or a link for BarkBox. 

It's cute, but here's the thing: I don’t have a dog. And if I did, I wouldn’t buy him mystery treats online. Or how about the Tan-in-a-Can that bills itself as “nutritive serum”? I could care less about being tan and I automatically write off anything involving the words “nutritive” or “serum.” I laughed at the blog on “How to Boil and Eat Lobster.” I’ve lived in eastern Massachusetts my whole life; if I don’t know how to manage a lobster by now they might as well revoke my Yankee license and exile me to the west coast. And how about that article about “Ten Things to Hang Above Your Bed”?

I’m quite certain I haven’t been discussing either my bedroom or its lack of above-bed decorations online.

But maybe Pinterest is trying to drop me subtle hints. Maybe it’s noticing the kinds of things that I haven’t been looking at, and subtly telling me that I should be checking them out. I have been complaining about these extra pounds that have been sneaking onto my butt of late – vegetarian food and dress yoga pants could help with that problem. My husband has been dropping hints about getting a dog (or at least, borrowing a dog) – maybe I should be giving that thought more serious consideration. And the décor in my bedroom has been unchanged since I got married nearly 8 years ago, so maybe it really is time to freshen the décor up a little.

One thing is for certain, though: It’s time to buy some lobsters and prove that this New England girl knows how to cook and clean the cockroach of the sea!! YUM!!

Awesome Christmas Projects I'll Never Do

I am dedicating today’s blog entry to all the people who, like me, love to look up beautiful and creative Christmas crafts that – let’s be honest, here – they will never, EVER, actually make. I am always finding great ideas in craft stores, on Pinterest, even in other people’s houses, that I would love to do, that I am perfectly capable of doing, but that I am quite certain I never actually will do. I can’t claim that it’s because I don’t have the time, because some of these projects could easily be done in an afternoon, many of them with the help (well, “help”) of my children. I can’t claim it’s because I don’t have the supplies, because many of them use common household materials. I suppose I should just come right out and admit that it’s probably because I’m lazy. Or at least because I would feel guilty about spending time making these projects when I have a sink full of dirty dishes and a laundry hamper full of dirty clothes and a husband who’d like to have some adult conversation with me sometime this month. But whatever the reason, I still enjoy looking at the pictures and pretending that someday I might possibly create these items to decorate my home for the holidays. So if you enjoy looking and dreaming, too, please enjoy these creative holiday projects which will never, ever grace your home unless someone more motivated than you makes them for you as a gift.

Progressive Nativity Scenes

The wife of my former pastor collects nativity scenes. She must have a hundred of them. At Christmastime, her husband’s church is filled with her nativities, tucked into every nook and cranny imaginable. She has painted wooden ones, carved stone ones, gilt-trimmed ceramic ones, crystal ones, straw ones, rustic ones, artistic ones, simple ones, detailed ones. Her collection would be perfect for making this progressive nativity. Instead of a single scene, as most of us have, this corner cabinet has carefully printed verses and corresponding scenes that begin with Mary being visited by the angel, then giving birth in the manger, then the Christ Child being worshipped by the shepherd, and finally the arrival of the Magi. It’s lovely, it’s meaningful, and even if I had four different (or four identical, which is what the original creator seems to have had) nativity sets, I would never manage to set this up. It’s about all I can do to hang my tinfoil-covered cardboard star over my manger scene. The fact that my husband and I have spent 8 Christmases together and only got an angel for our nativity scene last February should be proof enough that this will never happen in my house. But it’s a nice thought.

Fridge (or Door) Snowman

I love this idea. I think it is incredibly cute. And really, all you need is a few circles cut out of black construction paper, a few rectangles made of green and red construction paper, and a carrot cut from orange construction paper. The hat isn’t even necessary!! But here’s the problem: I have a stainless steel fridge with French doors and a bright green front door. I cannot be bothered to cover either one with huge pieces of white paper. I guess my kids will have to be content with making real snowmen or taping tiny black paper circles to an ordinary-sized sheet of white paper. It’s another cute idea that will just never happen in my house.

Advent Calendars

Oh my goodness, there must be 100 times the number of homemade advent calendar options as there are days in the advent calendar. Back when I was single and childless and many of my family and friends had young children, I found directions for an adorable DIY felt advent calendar and made sets for several families. Now that I have my own children, I admit that I am grateful to the friend who gives me two chocolate-filled, store-bought advent calendars every year. As much as I would love for my children to read a pithy Bible verse each day in December and add a character to the manger scene, I am relieved that they can eat a Hershey’s kiss and see a picture of Santa and his reindeer every day instead. I want them to know the Bible story, but I have no problem with Santa presenting them with chocolate if it means I didn’t have to cut a thousand tiny shapes out of felt and attack them with my glue gun. I love my glue gun and all, but I have other things to do between Thanksgiving and December 1st. If Hershey’s gives me a shortcut, hooray for Hershey’s.

Christmas Cards

The first year I was married, my husband and I debated whether or not we would start a tradition of sending Christmas cards. My parents always had; I had sent a few, although mainly I sent “virtual cards,” preferably the Jacqui Lawson interactive cards. Sending a physical greeting card, with a family photo or a Bible verse or a lovely winter scene, was just not our thing. We ended up not bothering and just sending friends Facebook greetings or emails or posting a cute family photo on Google Plus for all to enjoy. Christmas cards have become rather passé, and we have let them fall by the wayside, for better or for worse. I often have wonderful ideas of how we could dress everyone up and take a lovely photo to use for a Christmas card, but even when that has actually happened (grand total of times: 1), it ends up just being posted on Facebook with love for all. I can live with that.

Sock Snowmen

I have a very large bag of unmatched socks on top of my clothes dryer; I certainly have enough orphaned socks to make an army of sock snowmen. But as adorable and as easy as they are, this will never happen. Hope springs eternal that every sock in my “orphan sock bag” will find its mate. I simply can’t bring myself to admit defeat and use any of these poor lost socks as a project. I just know that the instant I do, their mate will magically appear in the next load of laundry. So as cute as these snowmen are, I can never bring myself to make them, for fear that their mates will then appear, and the sweet smiles on their faces will turn into accusing stares of betrayal.

Fingerprint/Handprint Ornaments

Ornaments with children’s fingerprints and handprints are a lovely keepsake that parents love to pass on to the children who made them, many years later. However, the number of attempts required to result in a single, usable, non-disastrous ornament is at least in the double digits, if not the triple. Convincing a small child to dip just a fingertip in paint or to stand still long enough to coat his or her entire hand evenly with paint is next to impossible. And, of course, once the child’s part is finally done, the parent needs to have a steady enough hand to add the required details: reindeer antlers, eyes, a red nose; snowmen’s buttons, coal smiles, carrot noses, and stick arms. Any parent who has not started drinking heavily by the time a successful part A is achieved is a better human being than I. I’ll leave this type of ornament to brave preschool teachers.

Anything Involving Glitter

I blame Martha Stewart for this “cover everything in glitter” trend. Ornaments, bottles, mugs, branches, popsicle sticks, the family dog…you name it, someone on Pinterest has directions on how to cover it in glitter. But here’s the problem with glitter: IT NEVER GOES AWAY. If you use glitter in your house once, you will find bits of glitter hanging around for the next century. You’ll find some, days later, stuck in your belly button and in your hair. Weeks later, you’ll still be sweeping it from the kitchen floor. Months later, it’ll still be appearing in the carpet. Years later, you’ll pull up a rug or bring a box down from the attic or empty out the tank of the hot water heater, and BOOM! More glitter. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. Nope, no glitter for this mama if I can avoid it.

Decoupage

If you were alive during the 1970s, you know the words “Mod Podge.” You may even have watched a craft show on television called “Mod Podge Lodge.” In this show, chirpy, cheerful hosts used industrial quality paper mache (brand name Mod Podge) to adhere bits of wallpaper, old greeting cards, Epsom salts, glitter, or old photographs to every smooth surface imaginable. This technique, officially called “decoupage,” has fallen somewhat by the wayside, yet it still reappears during the Christmas season every year. You can decoupage old tiles to create drink coasters, you can decoupage Styrofoam balls to create tree ornaments, you can decoupage old plates to make serving platters, you can decoupage wine bottles to create “elegant” vases. Unfortunately, as lovely as really good decoupage can be, most of the world’s population is capable only of mediocre, at best, decoupage. And mediocre decoupage is…well, not so lovely. Not to mention that it is very, VERY messy. I think I’ll leave decoupaging back in the 70s, where it belongs.

But there is one cute, creative, and festive Christmas craft that I can manage: a snowman kit. Three marshmallows, a handful of chocolate chips, a few pretzel sticks, a candy corn left over from Halloween, and a spoonful of white frosting.

 You don’t even have to put it together – you just dump all the pieces into a Ziploc baggie, give it to someone as a gift, and let them do the work. That’s about what I can handle for crafts in December.

My Life as a Parent, in Pinterest Memes

I have a relatively extensive collection of Pinterest boards: multiple recipe boards (regular recipes, appetizers and breads, soups and stews, desserts, crockpot recipes, cocktails), a homeschooling board and a general “Kids’ Stuff” board, a home décor board, a regular fashion board and a theatrical costume reference board, stuff that makes me laugh, stuff that makes me go “Awwwwww,” stuff that’s just cool, etc., etc.

But I also have one board that is simply called, “This Is My Life.” There are a few quotes and memes that describe me because I’m a bibliophile, and a seamstress, and an introvert, but by far, the largest number of pins are references to the way my life is because I am a parent. So for those of you who have never checked out my Pinterest boards, here is my life as a parent, told entirely in Pinterest memes.

First off, we have the whole “sleep” collection:

I’m always on alert, just in case the kids start screaming. Or burning the house down. Or something. 

I often spend my entire day fantasizing about bedtime. Sometimes theirs, but mostly mine.

My amazing husband has a remarkable ability to know when I really, REALLY need to sleep in, and he gets up and feeds the kids. I don’t think I am capable of loving him more than I do on those mornings. Especially when he not only feeds the kids, but sends one of them up with my morning coffee. Best. Husband. EVER.

There was a time when I went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 7am. I’m sure there was. These days, it’s more like doze off at 3pm, force myself to wake up and finish up the day, almost fall asleep again around 8pm, then become totally wide awake until 1am, then wake up again at 3:30am, and then one more time at about 5:30am.

My tired times never seem to coordinate with the times I am free to go to bed, and my wakeful times never seem to correspond to the wakeful hours of the rest of the world.

And the reason is that my brain is dwelling on all the parenting mistakes I made during the day. And they are legion.

And then we have the lifestyle changes that come with having small children. I used to wash my hair every day. I used to brush my teeth every day. I used to wear makeup every day. I used to wear a bra every day. No more. I am usually so busy making sure that my children look presentable (clothing all right-side-out and facing front, two matching shoes on the correct feet, hair not sticking in 27 different directions) that I forget to check myself.

Because this is usually my “style”:

Pretty much every day is a hot mess day in my world. But you know, I’m okay with that.

Because who doesn’t want to wear messy hair and sweatpants every day?

The chores and the housework have become a different animal since I had children. I had all kinds of dreams about my children doing chores that would make my life easier, but somehow I turned into an Oompa Loompa instead.

 I feel like I’m always doing laundry. And it always involves socks. And they never come out in pairs. 

 Chores are completely different when you have kids. It’s like doing a high dive with a 27.8 degree of difficulty.

Luckily, I’ve realized that some things are more important than a clean house.

 A clean house pales in comparison to the duty to try and make sure that my kids don’t bring on the Apocalypse.

It only sounds like the Apocalypse. But it’s usually not. Usually.

I’m even impressed at the creativity of their misbehavior, at times.

 They don’t mean to embarrass me, and yet sometimes they do. I can’t wait until the tables are turned. There’s a LOT of payback to happen here.

 Seriously, there’s a reason we refer to our children as “DestructoBoy” and “DestructoGirl”.

Because of this insanity, sometimes I can’t even believe the things that come out of my mouth. And the things that don’t.

 The energy level is unbelievable. I thought they’d grow out of it at 3. But at 4 and nearly 6, they’re still manic, topless blenders.

I try to find the balance between stopping them from risking their lives and stopping them from having any fun, but it’s not easy.

There are days when I pray that they’ll JUST. SHUT. UP. For 5 minutes. That’s all I ask, some days. Five minutes of peace and quiet. (I rarely get it, at least not when they’re awake.)

Some days I feel like I’ve completely lost my mind and I’ll never get it back.

I’ve come to accept my own crazy, though.

 I’m even proud of my crazy, at times.

 I realize that I only have myself to blame.

Although I do occasionally dream of a more perfect life, and a more perfect me.

 But I know I’ll get through the imperfect reality. Because I have help. Sometimes from caffeine and alcohol…

…and sometimes from my husband. I could never do it without my husband. I’d like to kill him some days (and I have no doubt he feels the same way about me on a regular basis), but when it comes right down to it, I wouldn’t want to do this without him.

 And I couldn’t be prouder that we produced a mini-him together.

 Yeah, when it comes right down to it? I wouldn’t change a thing.