"I'm Still Here"

It's been six months. Six months ago today I got that awful call. My husband was not coming home again. I was suddenly an unemployed widow with two teenage children. I didn't know how I'd manage. I slept-walked through the days, weeks, and months, somehow doing what was necessary to survive. Paying bills, completing paperwork, doing laundry and dishes and cooking, driving kids here and there. With the help of friends and family, we survived. 

In some ways, I'm amazed at how far I've come, and in others I feel like I haven't even gotten started. But I'm still here. 

I'm reminded of the wonderfully moving song "I'm Still Here" from Stephen Sondheim's Follies, sung by the character Carlotta, a retired showgirl originally played by Carol Burnett, who often sings the song as part of her cabaret act and in concert versions of the show. The song tells of the ups and downs of her life, and the fact that she survived, no matter what. The story is heartbreaking, yet triumphant. The lyrics really resonate with me:

Good times and bum times, I've seen ’em all and, my dear
I'm still here
Plush velvet sometimes, sometimes just pretzels and beer
But I'm here
I’ve stuffed the dailies in my shoes,
Strummed ukuleles, sung the blues,
Seen all my dreams disappear
But I'm here

I've slept in shanties, guest of the W.P.A.
But I'm here
Danced in my scanties - Three bucks a night was the pay
But I'm herе
I've stood on bread lines with thе best
Watched while the headlines did the rest
In the depression was I depressed? Nowhere near.
I met a big financier
And I'm here

I've been through Gandhi, Windsor and Wally’s affair
And I’m here
Amos 'n’ Andy, mahjongg and platinum hair
And I'm here
I got through Abie's Irish Rose,
Five Dionne babies, Major Bowes.
Had heebie-jeebies for Beebe's bathysphere
I’ve lived through Brenda Frazier
And I'm here

I've gotten through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover
Gee, that was fun and a half
When you've been through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover
Anything else is a laugh

I've been through Reno, I've been through Beverly Hills
And I'm here
Reefers and vino, rest cures, religion and pills
And I'm here
Been called a pinko Commie tool
Got through it stinko by my pool
I should have gone to an acting school, that seems clear
Still, someone said, "She's sincere"
So I'm here

Black sable one day, next day it goes into hock
But I'm here.
Top billing Monday, Tuesday you're touring in stock,
But I'm here.
First you're another sloe-eyed vamp,
Then someone's mother, then you're camp.
Then you career from career to career.
I'm almost through my memoirs.
And I'm here.

I've gotten through "Hey, lady, aren't you whoozis? 
Wow! What a looker you were."
Or, better yet, "Sorry, I thought you were whoozis.
Whatever happened to her?"

Good times and bum times, I've seen 'em all and, my dear,
I'm still here.
Plush velvet sometimes, sometimes just pretzels and beer,
But I'm here.
I've run the gamut, A to Z.
Three cheers and dammit, c'est la vie.
I got through all of last year
And I'm here.

Lord knows, at least I was there,
And I'm here!
Look who's here!
I'm still here!

The last six months have been more bum times than good times, but I got through half of last year, and I'm here. 

I'm still here.