It Was the Breast of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

This week has been a bit bittersweet for me. Because of medications I'm on for my rheumatoid arthritis, my doctors suggested that I only breastfeed Ryan for three months. Apparently my medication is passed on through breast milk and builds up in his system. So at three months, we've reached the point where the risks of his taking in small amounts of my meds outweigh the benefits of continuing to breastfeed. Which means that it's time to transfer completely to bottlefeeding.

I'm fortunate in some ways because we've already been combining bottlefeeding with nursing. The first few days of Ryan's life neither one of us could really figure out what we were doing when it came to breastfeeding, and there were plenty of tears on both our parts. I remember several occasions during that first week when I spent a late night feeding sitting in the rocking chair with a screaming baby on my lap, frantically nuzzling at my breast but unable to latch, while I sobbed uncontrollably. We were both frustrated and miserable, and poor Ryan was literally starving. Finally we started supplementing with a bottle, and with some continued practice, we eventually both got a handle on the whole breastfeeding thing. But given his voracious appetite, we still needed to supplement. At first I felt guilty that I must be doing something wrong that my milk supply wasn't enough for him. But then I read articles saying that for the first month a baby will take about 2 oz. of formula at a feeding and will feed about every three to four hours. Apparently Ryan hadn't read that article, because he was taking 4 oz. or more at every feeding and feeding every two to three hours. He would often nurse for a full hour and then take a 4 or even a 6 oz. bottle. I wondered if he was even getting anything from me, but although when I pumped right after he nursed I didn't get much, if I pumped after I skipped a fedding because Daddy was giving him a bottle, I could get 2-4 oz. So obviously he was getting something - and as his weight started to skyrocket, it became more and more obvious that he was just a big baby who needed lots of calories!

So at least neither of us had to go through any kind of trauma in transitioning to bottles. Ryan has never suffered from "nipple confusion"; if it gives milk, he'll suck on it, no questions asked. I'm not comfortable breastfeeding in public, so any time we're out somewhere for the day, he gets a bottle all day and has no problem with it. If we're about to get in the car and he's hungry, I can prop a bottle in his car seat and keep him contented so I'm not driving distracted by a screaming baby in the back seat. And best of all, Daddy can take a feeding any time Mommy needs a little extra sleep or Daddy needs some father-son bonding time.

But even though I can snuggle him close when I feed him with a bottle, it's not quite the same as nursing him. The feeling of that warm little cheek against my chest, the little dribble of milk from his pursed rosebud lips running onto my skin, that incredible sense of closeness from seeing my child get nourishment from my own body...these things can't quite be replicated by giving a bottle, and I know I'll miss them terribly over the next few weeks. But I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to bond with my son by breastfeeding him for as long as I have. I'm glad that I fought through that incredibly difficult and traumatic first week. And I'm glad that I live in a day and age where formula and vaccines and excellent medical care all keep my baby strong, healthy, and well-nourished even when I can't breastfeed any more.

The Wonders of Technology

When I was pregnant with Ryan, one of the most daunting tasks I had to do was figuring out what equipment and supplies we needed to get ready for his arrival. Back when I was a baby, it was a much less complicated task: diapers and rubber pants (cloth was the only option), glass bottles with nipples (the only kind available), clunky molded plastic infant seat, and maybe a molded plastic bathtub. Now we have our choice of cloth or disposable diapers (6 kinds of each, with padding in different places and various kinds of miracle absorbency promises), BHA-free plastic bottles with the air vent nipple OR disposable drop-ins OR Dr. Brown's with the realistic angled nipple, a car seat that pops into place AND transforms into a carrier AND goes in the stroller three different ways AND fits into a grocery cart AND sits in an upside-down restaurant booster seat (how did I not know that trick?) AND rocks the baby to sleep (AND, I suspect, turns into a rocket ship or a nuclear submarine or a stealth fighter or something else that would make James Bond jealous, if only I knew which buttons to push), and a veritable zoo of cute bathtubs (whales and goldfish and zebras, oh my). So even when you know what stuff you need, you have to choose which "flavor" of stuff.

But the most amazing thing to me was how everything has batteries. They all vibrate, or light up, or play music. We had a hard time finding a Pack N Play that didn't sing a lullaby and rock the baby to sleep for you. Or a bouncy chair that expected the baby to do the bouncing. At least with most of those things, you don't have to use the electronic gadgets. You can turn off the music on the Pack N Play and ignore the vibrate option on the bouncy seat. Most of the battery-operated stuff will still function without batteries. But so much of it seems to take away anything for the parent or child to do! To me, the whole point of a bouncy seat is to encourage baby to bounce; the point of mommy lingering by the crib while baby drifts off is for HER to sing a lullaby; the point of toys was to teach baby to manipulate them and make them work, not for them to wiggle and bounce and sing on their own.

Then there are the real hard-core technological wonders, many of which really do make life easier. My favorite of these is the video baby monitor. In my mom's day, the only "baby monitor" they had was an open door and attentive ears. When I was baby-sitting as a teenager, we had audio baby monitors so you could listen to the baby from the other side of the house. But for Ryan, we have a video monitor so I can not only hear but see him from the other side of the house, from out in the yard, or even from the neighbor's kitchen drinking coffee (not that I would do that, but I COULD). And because my husband is a brilliant geek, the video feed is tied in to the computer so Daddy can peek at Ryan from his work computer or even from his phone any time he wants! Whenever Ryan does something cute, I send Daddy a text message (yet more convenient technology) so he can take a look. So when Ryan takes his first step or says his first word, even if it happens while Daddy is at work, he won't have to miss that miraculous moment.

Another advantage of technology is that it really can save time, when used well. No more trying to calm a hungry baby for the 20 minutes it took to sterilize and prepare a bottle. No more hour at the end of every day rinsing all the dirty diapers that had been soaking in bleach all day long. No more running in to check the baby because the audio monitor has been TOO quiet. Even simpler technologies like antibacterial wipes and washing machines and dryers save us hours of time.

I guess when it comes right down to it, technology is a mixed blessing. For every mom who thinks she can't sing and lets a machine sing lullabies to her baby, there's a mom who can check in on her baby from her desk at work. For every baby who's rocked to sleep by an electronic massager instead of bouncing on someone's hip, there's a colicky baby whose mommy gets a break from walking and bouncing him 24/7. For every dad who moves the baby from car seat to bouncy seat to programmable playmat with hardly a cuddle, there's a dad who snuggles her in the Bjorn carrier all day long while doing other chores. Like most things in life, technology is what you make of it.