Different Strokes for Different...Kids

One of the hardest things for me to learn, as a parent, is that equality and equity are not the same thing. In other words, being fair to my children does not mean treating them both exactly the same way.

For example, it would not be fair to reward both of my children by giving each of them a big bowl of strawberries. To my daughter, who adores strawberries, that would be a wonderful treat, but to my son, who avoids fruit of all kinds, it would not be a treat at all - in fact, it would be more like a punishment. On the other hand, punishing them for the same infraction by sending them both to their room would indeed be a punishment for my daughter (the child who will leave her toys behind to join me in the boring office because she "needs company"), but it would be a reward for my son, who craves alone time and would be happy as a clam to be left alone with a book for hours.

Unfortunately, the difference between equality and equity is even more difficult for my children to understand than it is for me. How often do I hear the refrain, "But you let [sibling] do it!" All day long, it seems, I hear my children complaining, "But you let Katie have a cookie!" "But you let Ryan play with the Kindle!" And however many times I explain, "Katie finished her dinner and you didn't," or "You've already had an hour on the Kindle and he hasn't had any time on it today," it seems unfair to them, because it's not exactly equal.

Obviously, equality is much easier. Parenting would be so much easier if I could just make a chart of hard-line rules and the punishments for their infractions. Not coming when called, 2-hour loss of all electronics. Talking back or copping an attitude, loss of dessert for a day. Disobeying a parental order, no TV for 24 hours. I wouldn't have to think on the fly, and the kids would know exactly what they were in for.

But it's probably better that the kids DON'T know exactly what they're in for with each infraction. It's much easier to weigh the satisfaction of a sassy comeback against skipping a piece of cake than it is to wonder exactly what punishment will follow said sassiness. Will it be worth it? They don't know. Fear of the unknown is a powerful weapon for a parent.

Plus, it lets me choose how important every battle is in that particular moment. And it allows me to keep that all-important phrase "Go to your room!" in my back pocket for whenever I need it. Because as much as I love my kids, sometimes we ALL win when I send them out of my sight for a little while.

I'm Not a Bad Mom; My Kids Just Make Me Look That Way

Today is Tuesday. I hate Tuesday. Because Tuesday is the day I take my daughter to gymnastics class. And at gymnastics class, she makes me look like a bad mom, just like her brother did when he took gymnastics at this age.

My kids are generally very well-behaved and pleasant to be around, but something about gymnastics class sends both of them into screaming, whirling dervish, misbehaving, mom-embarrassing mode. Their gymnastics teacher is incredibly patient and understanding, but even she has admitted that my children are the worst-behaved kids she’s ever had in class.

They make me look like a bad mom.

Or, at least, they make me FEEL like a bad mom. After all, what kind of mom can’t control her two-year-old for 45 minutes? What kind of mom raises a hellion who won’t sit down for even 30 seconds to listen to directions? What kind of mom has a kid who screams so loudly that no-one can hear the teacher (a teacher who is used to making herself heard in a GYM)?

I’ll tell you what kind of mom: A mom who disciplines her children, who teaches them to use polite words, who makes them say, “excuse me” when they interrupt a conversation, who puts them in the naughty chair when necessary, who reminds them to listen with their ears and not their mouths, and who does not put up with tantrums. In a word: Me. And yet, when my daughter gets to gymnastics, all that discipline and all those good manners go right out the window. And there I am, tossed once again into “Bad Mom” territory.

I hate it. It’s embarrassing.

But you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that it makes me spend more time worrying about what the other parents think and not about what my daughter could be getting out of the class. I want to quiet her down not so that she can have fun and learn something, or even so that the other kids in the class can have fun and learn something, but so that I won’t look bad in front of the other parents. And that kind of does make me a bad mom.

So today, I vow to take off my bad attitude when I put on those yoga pants, and to bring my daughter to class with my head high and my expectations low. Today, my goal will be for my daughter to have at least 5 minutes of enjoying the class between tantrums. My goal will be to think only about what she’s thinking and not about what the other parents are thinking.

Because BEING a good mom is a lot more important than LOOKING like a good mom.