Sunday, January 20, 2013

Weird Golden Globe Fashions That I Missed

Since I posted on the fashions of the 2013 Golden Globes last week, I’ve stumbled across photos of some fabulously awful gowns that I somehow missed. So here’s my review of some of the real missteps from this year’s Golden Globes.

Thandie Newton is a stunningly beautiful woman. And she has the legs to pull off such a short dress at a formal event. But the fact that the skirt is lined in a different color from the top serves only to emphasize the impression that her left breast appears to be going supernova. And she could have used less boring shoes.

Sienna Miller came very close to hitting the target on this one. The boxy, short, 1960s-inspired top over a straight column skirt is classic, elegant, and flattering. The color scheme is perfect with her peaches-and-cream complexion. But the fact that the flowers are three-dimensional and flopping away from the dress is too reminiscent of those swim caps that my grandmother used to wear:

This outfit also is crying out for a fabulous, brightly-colored clutch or a single, chunky bangle or ring to make it pop.

Sarah Hyland was one of many too many celebrities whose boobs were crammed into a too-small bodice. In fact, her bodice looks like it gave up the battle and popped a few pleats, because there’s no other explanation for why there are pleats only on the far left. And although belts are generally slimming, this particular belt makes it looks like her waist is actually thicker than her rib cage. The giant hair valiantly attempts to balance out the outfit, but fails miserably. Her makeup is gorgeous and flattering, though, so it wasn’t a total loss.
Another unfortunate trend at this year’s Golden Globes was dresses with sheer overlays over mini-skirt-length linings. Kerry Washington, Rachel Weisz, and Louise Roe all looked stunning from head to…mid-thigh. I love the silver sequined patterning on Washington’s gown overlay, the tiny satin belt and bow on Weisz’s gown, and the severe boat neck on Roe’s, but all three gowns would have been much more successful with a full-length – or at least knee-length – skirt underlay. And, in Weisz’s case, a hem that didn’t puddle messily on the ground.

There are plenty of perfectly gorgeous figures that are not flattered by clingy, metallic dresses, and unfortunately, Emily Mortimer has one of those. The straight lines of sequins do not enhance her curves and the tiny belt and shiny fabric both emphasize her (slightly) rounded belly. Her unstyled hair and bland makeup aren’t doing her any favors, either.

I won’t say much about this gown other than to say that when a dress can make Heidi Klum’s boobs look droopy and uneven, it’s a definite fashion DON’T.

It breaks my heart to include Helen Mirren on this list, because I LOVE her. I think she is absolutely stunning, and has only gotten more stunning with age. She even looks stunning in this travesty of a dress, which makes her look as if she is being attacked by an anaconda and is just waiting to be saved by another member of the motorcycle gang who gave her the studded shirt.

It’s embarrassing enough when two celebrities show up wearing almost exactly the same gown. But it’s a hundred times worse when it’s a BAD gown. And it’s a thousand times worse when it’s a bad JUMPSUIT. Neither Julia Roberts nor Kelly Lynch accessorized the outfit with anything other than cleavage, which only added to the shame. At least Lynch had soft, full curls as opposed to Julia’s limp locks.

Sometimes an awards dress is perfect when the wearer first puts it on, but it doesn’t travel well, or she can’t walk in it, or it has some kind of an accident on the way to the event. Poor Julie Bowen must have looked like a million bucks when she got into her limo in this gorgeously draped, amazingly-hued turquoise gown. But by the time she hit the red carpet, the static monster had attacked the sleeve and the skirt, there was a big pull right in the front, and the waistline was wrinkled instead of draped. Even the gorgeous stack of bangles and the contrasting clutch and shoes couldn’t save this gown from its travel woes.

There are a lot of details on Morena Baccarin’s gown that would have worked beautifully alone: the sequined center panel, the pleated skirt, the long train, the sheer sleeves, the cobalt blue color. But combined, they were much too much.
So the next time you look in your mirror and you’re not thrilled with what you see, remember that even the most beautiful women in the world – who have well-paid stylists and price-is-not-object budgets – don’t always look that great, either.

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