Grammy Fashion 2013

With the possible exception of the “Children’s Music” category (which I don’t think actually exists), I recognize exactly zero of the Grammy Award candidates, and yet I still feel the need to critique the fashions of the evening. There were some that were spectacularly lovely and some that were spectacularly…something else. Please read on for the nominees and winners in these completely arbitrary categories.

Cleavage

Nominees: Katy Perry, Kelly Rowland, Ashanti

 

 

Perry’s dress was a bit granny-like in its color, cut, and lumpy embroidered flower neckline – but then there was the giant keyhole through which her boobs continuously attempted to escape. She could have benefitted from a bit of strategically-placed foundation or concealer, as well. ("No visible boob veins" is right up there with "No visible panty lines" in the Red Carpet Fashion Handbook.) Rowland’s pantsuit had relatively tasteful, strategically placed see-through bands all over, and if it weren't pants it might have been a hit. But the 70s-style flared pants just weren’t working for her. Ashanti’s black gown with its small splashes of color, full skirt, cute cap sleeves, and another huge keyhole cutout was playful enough to be sexy without looking overly revealing.

Winner: Ashanti, for somehow making an awful lot of cleavage still look tasteful.

Red

Nominees: Rihanna, Skylar Grey, Natasha Bedingfield

 

Rihanna's performance gown was a bit questionable (was that a glimpse of underboob or a glimpse of ugly tattoo?), but her elegant red carpet gown featured a pretty criss-cross bodice with a bit of see-through mesh and a very full skirt. Grey wore a red spangled column with a high, asymmetrical neckline and open back. Bedingfield’s red gown featured a plunging neckline, side cutouts, a front slit, and a narrow gold belt which all emphasized her curves beautifully.

Winner: Rihanna, for finding the balance between peek-a-boo and classic elegance.

Whuh?

Nominees: Beyonce, Adele, Faith Hill

  

 

Beyonce opted for a black and white pantsuit with a boxy bodice and overly fitted pants, which is why you should never let your mother design your clothes. Adele’s dress seemed to be made out of a 1960s bedspread (possibly two, based on its sheer volume). And Hill’s black corset clashed with her navy skirt and managed to look matronly despite its plunging décolleté and sheer shoulders and sleeves.

Winner (by which I mean, Loser): Beyonce, because doing something like THAT to a figure like THAT is worthy of a booby prize.

Leg

Nominees: Jennifer Lopez, Florence Welch, Solange Knowles

 

Lopez tends to opt for either all-over sheer or exposing a great deal of back or leg, and this gown was the latter. Not just a slit, but a dress that seemed to be almost a leotard with a skirt on one side. Welch chose a sequined gown in a glorious green that complemented her red mane perfectly, and which sported a demure high neck and long sleeves, offering its sexiness through a thigh-high peek-a-boo slit and its amazing clinginess. Knowles’ sleeveless green gown had subtle sparkle and a slightly more open slit than Welch’s, and was set off with bright coral pumps and a fantastically wild hairdo.

Winner: Welch, for having the courage – and nearly non-existent body fat - to wear something that clingy.

Classic Elegance

Nominees: Carrie Underwood, Nicole Kidman

 

Underwood’s patterned gown acknowledged her perfect curves and added interest without looking overly busy. Kidman’s slim gold gown fit her beautifully but the color made her look sallow and washed out, and her straightened hair looked limp instead of sleek.

Winner: Underwood – who, if she hadn’t won for this gown, would have won for the amazing silver dress she wore on stage, with or without the multiple projections.

The Men

Nominees: Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, Ne-Yo

 

Timberlake was atypically clean-shaven and smoothly coiffed, wearing a vintage-style tuxedo, white-trimmed black pocket square, and fabulous spectator shoes. (When did he start morphing into a young Hugh Jackman?) Mayer’s bright blue velvet tux jacket and hand-tied bow tie gave him some elegance as well, despite his just-rolled-out-of-bed hairdo. And Ne-Yo reminded us all that the Grammys is a place to push the envelope, with his metallic silver jacket and pegged satin pants tucked into what looked like army boots. It might have been a bit too far at a different awards ceremony, but it hit just the right note for the Grammys.

Winner: Timberlake, for channeling the class of Grammys past (and Hugh Jackman.)

Men – Booby Prize

Nominees: The Dream, Jay Manuel, Fun

 

The Dream attempted to class himself up by wearing shoes with the Chanel logo, but they were more than canceled out by the saggy pants and the tacky warning label knit cap topped with a baseball hat. Manuel’s suit was beautifully cut but seemed to have suffered a horrific paint accident prior to the ceremony. And the members of Fun, while wearing reasonably classy, well-cut tuxedos, seemed to have forgotten to wear socks.

Winner (Loser): Manuel, simply because he of all people should have known better.

Have I mentioned how much I’m looking forward to the Oscars??