You Know You're a Potty-Training Mom When...

I am in the process of potty-training two children at once. (Go ahead, make the sign of the Evil Eye. I know I just did.) Every mom – or dad – or preschool teacher – or nanny – or anyone else - who has ever potty-trained a child knows that there are certain universal signs that you are in the throes of this dreaded process. You know you’re a potty training mom when:

• You automatically put a sticker on the chart on the bathroom door every time you (or anyone else in the family) uses the toilet.
• You can’t help but sing, “Flush and wash and be on your way!” every time you finish peeing.
• You sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands. Even in a public restroom.
• You announce to everyone in the room every time you’re about to use the bathroom. And then invite them to join you.
• And you narrate while you’re going.
• You’re more likely to accidentally sit on a child’s potty seat than on a toilet with the lid still up.
• Scrubbing pee off the bathroom floor is part of your bedtime routine, right alongside brushing your teeth and putting on your PJs.
• You occasionally sniff the air suspiciously and ask, “Who needs to go do a poop?”
• Your bathroom closest holds not only towels and toilet paper, but a collection of pull-ups and small underpants.
• And a “treat box” full of temporary tattoos, Dum-Dum lollipops, and snack-size bags of M&Ms.
• You do a choreographed dance any time a child successfully uses the toilet.
• You check for soiled underpants rinsing in the toilet before you pee.
• Your bribery reward list includes trips to Chuck E. Cheese, the Lego store, and the Bouncy House place.
• There are Cheerios floating in the toilet at any given time.
• You can recite “Once Upon a Potty,” “Elmo’s Potty Time,” or “Everybody Poops” without once referencing the book and/or video.
• You do more than one load of laundry every day.
• Ninety percent of that load of laundry consists of underpants and sheets.
• You make everyone in the house “do a try” before you get in the car, even if you’re only going out for 10 minutes.
• You know the location of every public restroom within a 30-mile radius.
• And you’ve used every one of them.

Any other parents out there who are in the throes of this stage? Let’s all remind ourselves that there are very few children who go to kindergarten in diapers. And even fewer who do so in college. And let’s not think about how many parents wind up losing their minds before they reach that stage.

And then let’s all have a glass of wine together.