Weird Things About Menopause That No One Tells You

There's a reason that menopause used to be referred to as "The Change": so many things about your body change. When you're a young girl about to go through puberty, your school and your mom and your older sisters and cousins and friends and a paperback book with a pink cover and a title along the lines of Your Changing Body or Becoming a Woman or What's Happening Down There? tell you all about the changes you're about to experience. But menopause is still a bit more taboo - probably because girls are a lot more excited about reaching puberty than middle-aged women are about reaching menopause. Never fear, though: I am here to tell you about all the weird things that can - and probably will - happen to you when you reach the delightful time in your life known as Menopause. 

First of all, let me clear up a common misconception: The period of time that we commonly refer to as "menopause" - those delightful months and years of hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, randomly unpredictable periods, drying out of hair and skin (and - ahem - various other body parts), and hormonally-induced rages - are actually perimenopause, not menopause. Perimenopause is the time between when your body slows down its production of hormones and one year after your last menstrual period, which is considered the onset of actual menopause. Sadly, a lot of the annoying conditions and symptoms that happen during perimenopause tend to hang around during full-blown menopause, as well.  

There are a few common perimenopause/menopause symptoms that we hear about frequently, mainly from pharmaceutical and homeopathic companies who want to sell us Premarin and Estroven and black cohosh and St. John's Wort to make those symptoms go away. Since there's a lot of information around about those symptoms and how to treat them, I'll just summarize them here:

• Hot flashes - A sudden surge in body temperature which is often accompanied by flushing of the face, neck, and chest, and profuse sweating. 
• Night sweats - The same as hot flashes, but happening during sleep, often resulting in...
• Insomnia - The inability to fall asleep, or frequent waking during the night with an inability to fall back to sleep.
• Weight gain - Your metabolism slows down significantly as you approach menopause, which means that even if your diet and exercise routines are unchanged, you're probably going to put on some weight. 
• Mood swings - If you've ever been pregnant, you're likely familiar with the emotional roller coaster which leads to bursting into tears at events such as watching a Hallmark movie, the inability to use a can opener (true story), or a sudden uncontrollable desire for Pringles (also a true story). Perimenopausal mood swings are less tears and more rages - think less tragic Disney princess and more Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. 

But there are other symptoms that occur during perimenopause and continue to hang around during menopause, and you rarely hear about those. So let me give you a heads up of some of the weird physical phenomena that have happened to me as a result of menopause - along with some of the solutions and management techniques that have worked for me.

(Editor's Note: Not my eyebrows)

• Eyebrow changes: I've always had dark, relatively thick eyebrows that needed minimal grooming. But not only have my eyebrows thinned, every morning when I wake up, all the individual hairs are pointing straight up towards my hairline. Fortunately, I've found a product that solves both issues: Eyebrow-shaping gel that comes in a tube with a brush, similar to mascara. It smooths those wayward hairs into place and holds them, without the stiffness of mascara, and it adds just a hint of color. I like Wet & Wild's Brow-Sessive, for a cool $3.28 on Amazon or $4.99 at CVS, available in clear, blonde, or brown. 

• Hair suddenly growing in random places: You hear women talking about chin hairs, but the chin is not the only place they appear. You'll suddenly notice a thick, dark, long hair growing out of your arm, or a finger or toe knuckle, or those pesky eyebrows, or even your leg which you shaved 36 hours previously. Angled tweezers help but what you really need is a good bright light - natural light is best, so a sunny window or even sitting in your car in the sunshine and using the vanity mirror works well. But if sunlight isn't an option, a magnifying mirror with a bright light is your best friend. There are lots of options available, but this one is well worth the $24.99 from Amazon, or a similar one from CVS for $22.79.

• Dry skin: I've never had issues with dry skin, but now in the winters my heels dry and crack terribly, and my face, which I've never needed to moisturize, gets dry and flaky. My products of choice for my feet include regular use of a pumice stone in the shower, followed by using this rasp and file ($7.99 from Amazon) immediately following a shower, tub soak, or swim, and in the winter, a one-time application of Baby Foot foot peel (it's a little gross, but it's so worth it, even at $24.45 from Amazon or $25 from Target for a single application). For my face, I like Aveeno's Positively Radiant moisturizer with SPF30 sunscreen ($16.60 from Amazon or $18.49 from Target). 
  
  

• Thin, peeling fingernails: When I was pregnant, my fingernails were suddenly strong and grew beautifully, but menopause has done the opposite. My nails constantly peel, split into layers at the tip, and tear off like tissue paper. I do too much with my hands to keep up either a manicure or nails of any length, so I don't personally use  it, but I hear that Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails nail strengthener is the way to go ($3.19 from Amazon or $4.19 from CVS). I also sometimes use my facial moisturizer on my hands, as I've read that can help.

• New and/or worsening allergies: My seasonal allergies have gone completely haywire since menopause. They especially affect my eyes, which are frequently dry and/or itchy. For dryness, especially at night, I swear by Systane gel eyedrops ($12.35 from Amazon or $13.48 from Walmart). And for my mystery hives and skin itchiness, I love Caladryl Clear, which combines the antihistamine of Benadryl with the soothing of calamine lotion in a clear gel that all but vanishes into your skin ($7.49 from Amazon or $7.59 for the CVS brand equivalent). 

• Paresthesia, or tingling of the hands or feet: I have other medical issues that probably exacerbate my paresthesia, but I find the best solution is avoiding shoes and socks whenever possible (which is my natural inclination anyway), as well as taking (on the advice of my doctor) a vitamin D supplement, although magnesium is also sometimes a recommended supplement. Talk to your doctor before taking any supplements, even OTC! 

• Irregular heartbeat: I've had an irregular heartbeat (premature ventricular contractions, or PVC) since my 20s (as did my grandfather, so there's probably a significant genetic component), but it seemed to be more noticeable once I hit menopause. Also, my resting heart rate, which has always been on the faster end of normal, is also somewhat higher than it used to be. Not surprisingly, the recommended treatment is to lose weight and get more exercise. I recently lost 40 pounds, resulting in lower blood pressure, better joint health, and all but eliminating my exercise-induced asthma, and it also seems to be helping both my resting heart rate and the occurrence of skipped heartbeats. 

(Editor's Note: Not my scale. I've lost a significant amount of weight,
but 116.8 lbs. would NOT be a healthy weight for me.)
 

• Anxiety: I've always been somewhat tightly wound, but as I hit perimenopause and menopause, my anxiety has ramped up significantly (just ask my longsuffering but eternally patient husband). I haven't found a good solution for this one yet, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to pass them along!

"Forewarned is forearmed," as the saying goes, so I hope this list serves as a helpful summary of not just what symptoms may be in store for you, but hints for some ways to deal with them. Of course, the best person to talk to is your doctor. But this list may give you a better idea of what symptoms may be related to the onset of menopause.

Now go put on a pair of white pants without fear and take on the world!