Mothers and Sons

As a single mom, those moments when you can really connect with your teenage son are rare - and incredibly important. Sometimes you can plan them, but more often than not, they just happen. 

Tonight, one just happened. 

To back up just a little, this is Labor Day weekend, which means that my kids (and I) had a day off from school this past Friday, and another on Monday (although my son and I are both marching in a parade with the high school marching band - but that's another story). I had told my kids that if they wanted to do something fun on either Friday or Saturday, to let me know. Neither one came up with an idea, but my Facebook memories reminded me of going apple picking with them when they were little, so I decided that we needed to go apple picking. 

I tried bribing them with a corn maze and llamas, but those went over like a lead balloon.

Then I tried bribing them with the promise of cider donuts at the orchard and apple pie when we got home, and that sold them. 

We began with a walk around the little store at the orchard, which offered samples of the various kinds of apples that were currently ripe for picking: Sansa (which had been recommended by a friend), Akane, Ginger Gold, Gravenstein. Not varietals with which I was familiar, but after tasting a juicy, fresh, not-too-sweet Sansa, I was gung-ho to pick them all.  So we bought a peck bag for picking - and half a dozen cider donuts - and headed outside.

We sat at a shady picnic table to enjoy our donuts, and the kids noticed a goat wandering around outside the pens, so we strolled over to check out the various beasts: three polka-dot pigs, a bunch of chickens (many of whom were standing on top of their shelters, a fact which both kids found hilarious), a llama, and a number of goats (there were supposedly also miniature horses but we missed them somehow). 

 

For a couple of quarters, we got a bunch of animal chow and fed the goats through the fence and via a pulley system, and the pigs through a funnel-and-tube delivery system. The kids acted all cool about it, but I suspect they were as tickled as I was. 

We finally drifted over to the actual orchard and wandered up and down the rows of different varieties. My son, being extremely tall, was able to pick many perfectly ripe apples that were just a little bit too high for the average picker to reach, so we quickly filled our bag with gorgeous apples. 

After another quick trip into the store to pick up an apple-cinnamon-scented candle and a cider slushie (delicious!), we headed for home. The drive home was filled with discussions of what to make first: apple crisp, apple pie, apple fritters, apple muffins...the unanimous decision was apple pie. So as soon as we got home, I got baking, with a little help from my son, and we made a gorgeous apple pie. It was supposed to be dusted with white sanding sugar, but all I had was red, so the pie looked vaguely like a pizza. Fortunately, it tasted exactly like a delicious apple pie. 

It didn't even last until lunch the next day. Delicious!

With the pie gone but quite a few apples left, my son was eager for another recipe. My daughter was off at a birthday party all afternoon, and he had a Scout meeting before dinner, but as soon as we got home, he asked if I was planning on making anything in particular with the remaining apples. I was toying with the idea of apple muffins that we could have for breakfast, I told him. But I can make anything you want. Or you can. His face lit up and he asked if he could make apple fritters. Absolutely, I said. Let me know if you need help. 

I pulled up a recipe I had saved on my laptop and did a quick inventory of the ingredients to make sure we had everything, then I set him loose. While he began measuring, I made myself a cocktail and sat at the kitchen island to watch while he bustled around. He began humming to himself as he cooked (I can't imagine where he picked up that habit) and I reminded him that background music is practically a requirement in this kitchen. So he asked Alexa to play his playlist. 

His father was never a fan of his hip hop and R&B music, but I've actually begun to enjoy it - and especially to enjoy hearing him talk about it and why he likes it - so I frequently recognize some of the music in his playlist. And since the first song was by Bruno Mars, we both spontaneously began to sing along. 

My grown son, cooking on his own, happily singing - happily allowing me to sing along - hanging out in the kitchen with his mom - willingly. That is a moment. A wonderful, memorable mother-son moment. 

Oh, and the fritters were pretty amazing, too. 

The Penultimate (Kind of) First Day of School

This morning, I took "First Day of School" photos of my two children on the front porch for the eleventh time. I home schooled my son for his kindergarten year, and when my daughter began public kindergarten the next year he went to first grade at public school, so it's always been the two of them. Next year will be his senior year, and therefore the last time I take a photograph of the two of them together heading off to school.  

I doubt they think of it as much of a milestone. But it's a big milestone for me. The end of high school, whether it's followed by college or work or the military, whether they live on their own or come back to live at home for a while, marks the beginning of adulthood and a new kind of independence. 

I'm reasonably sure they'll both be ready when the time comes. But me? I'm not so sure. One of my goals for this year is to let them be more in charge of managing their own schedules, getting themselves up and ready for school and other events, taking care of their own spaces around the house, doing their own laundry, staying on top of their schoolwork without much prompting from me, cooking family meals on occasion, and managing their own money. In other words, getting them up to speed on a lot of the practical "adulting skills" that they'll need when Mom isn't there to do it for them. But I also need to make sure I'm getting myself ready for when they aren't here. 

It's a very different sort of getting ready. 

What kinds of skills will I need when they're not here? As a (still relatively recent) widow, that list has changed since I originally thought out the situation. The original plan was retirement and travel. Visiting far-off friends; exploring new places. Taking up some new hobbies. Exploring new restaurants. Hiring people to get our house in shape to sell, and relocating somewhere. But now the idea of travel is less appealing. I have fewer far-off connections. I have less interest in eating or starting a hobby by myself. Selling the house might happen earlier than anticipated and in a less "polished" shape than might be ideal. I suspect I'll be tempted to be more involved in my kids' lives than I would have been if I still had a partner. My family will not be shrinking down from "me plus three" to "the two of us," but to "just me." I will no longer have family living in the house with me. (At least for a while. After that, who knows.) Learning to live with that will take some skills. 

I'm not quite sure how to develop those skills, or how to prepare for that transition. It will probably involve developing more relationships outside of my family, a task which is incredibly difficult for my introverted, socially awkward self. It might involve spending more time downsizing my stuff and researching what my steps could be, even as I'm researching what my kids' next steps could be. It will definitely involve finding my own identity outside of being a mother, even as I've had to redefine my own identity outside of being a wife. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I have time to figure it out. 

Just not quite as much time as I thought.