Mom-ercize

I had my annual physical recently and my doctor asked me if I do any regular exercise. I assumed that by the word “regular” she meant some kind of formal class or official workout. Since I haven’t darkened the door of a gym since…well, EVER, I admitted that I do not. She opened her mouth to scold me, but then I reminded her, “But you’ve met my kids.” She just laughed and dropped the subject.

My kids are pretty much a gym, a personal trainer, a cheerleading squad, and a set of free weights, all rolled into one.

Let’s look at the parts of a “regular” exercise routine and see how my personal “mom-ercise” routine stacks up against it.

Warm-up: Lego Retrieval

Most exercise regimens begin with some kind of gentle stretching, bending, and reaching. I owe my warm-up exercises to an architectural anomaly in my house. One of the walls in the playroom has a section that juts out a few inches from the rest of the wall. I assume the practical reason is that there’s some kind of structural support beam there, but the practical result is that there’s a 2-inch gap between the couch and the wall the couch rests against. This gap is a black hole that sucks in small objects such as Lego blocks, empty juice boxes, and the TV remote. My arms are just long enough that with sufficient stretching, contorting, and flailing, I can grab the lost items with my fingertips before being sucked into the vortex myself.

Abs: Belly Bounce

My 1-1/2 year-old daughter serves as my workout partner for this crucial exercise. I lay on the floor on my back with my knees slightly bent; she straddles my midsection and, without warning, drops her entire body weight onto my abdomen, resulting in a satisfying “OOOOF” from me. This initial drop inspires me to maintain my tensed abdominal muscles for as long as she enjoys repeating the drop. The tighter my muscles are, the less loud my “oof,” and the less exciting the game. She wins when I make funny noises; I win when my abs are strong enough that I can remain silent and she gets bored and leaves me alone.

Quads: Baby Squats

My daughter serves a slightly more passive role during my baby squats routine. She entices me to pick her up for whatever reason (she knows my hatred of this portion of the workout so often lures me in by offering me a hug or a kiss and then latching her arms around my neck in a position that my husband and I have termed the “koala baby”). She then either drops the item she was holding (a sippy cup, a stuffed animal, my car keys) or points insistently at an item on the floor she wants me to retrieve (an ant, a cookie crumb, an invisible speck of lint). She’s heavy enough that I can’t bend over at the waist while holding her without falling over, so I do a deep plié while carefully keeping my back straight, grab the desired item, and straighten up. She repeats the item drop until one of us gets bored and ends this portion of the workout.

Glutes: Airplane Rides

My 3-1/2-year-old son is the more effective workout partner for this part of my routine. I lie on my back and pull my knees tightly to my chest. My son then leans with his belly resting against my feet, and we grab each other’s hands tightly. I then slowly unbend my legs so my lower legs are perpendicular to the ground and my son is lifted into the air like an airplane. In the high-impact version of the workout, I then tip my legs back and forth and side to side and make airplane noises for an added cardio benefit.

Cardiac Workout: Chase and Reverse

My full cardiac segment is also done with my son’s assistance. Our basement playroom is a large room with a staircase in the middle, effectively creating an oval track. He yells, “Chase me, chase me!” and tears off around the track with me in hot pursuit. When I start gaining on him, he comes to a dead stop, shouts, “Now I chase you!” and we both reverse direction and set off at full tilt again. The endpoint of this exercise is directly related to the level of pain in my knees.

Aerobic Endurance: Dance Challenge

Both kids get in on this one. I have to admit, this is by far the most enjoyable workout segment for me. We put on some music with a good beat (Laurie Berkner and They Might Be Giants are particular favorites) and boogie down until we drop from exhaustion.

Strength Training: Piggyback Rides

My son weighs 50 pounds. He loves piggyback rides. Once allowed to climb on my neck, he hangs on like a barnacle. Those three factors combine to mean that anything I want to do for the next 15 minutes or so, I do with a 50-pound albatross around my neck. This routine is particularly effective when I’m making dinner, as I alternate between reaching down to retrieve pans from the lower cabinets and stretching up to retrieve ingredients from the upper cabinets.

Cool Down: Various

My list of cool down exercise options is pretty extensive: airplane swings (holding a child by the armpits and spinning in a circle), tick-tock clock (holding a child by the armpits and swinging him or her back and forth like a pendulum), tickle fights (I think that one’s pretty self-explanatory), diaper wrestling (both children prefer to be pants- and diaper-free as often as possible), horseback rides (similar to piggybacks, but with a much lower impact since I’m on all fours), and the ever-popular spinning in a circle until you get so dizzy you fall down.

 

Other advantages of Mom-ercize are that there’s no membership fee, instead of a wheat grass smoothie at the end of your workout you get milk and cookies, and your trainer gives you slobbery kisses whether or not you worked up a sweat. Everybody wins!

The Post-Baby Body Blues

I’m currently in rehearsals for a play set in Dublin the early 1960s, and I’ve started looking for costumes. The first shock of that process was taking my measurements, which I haven’t done since before my kids were born. Yikes. But the real shock was when I pulled out an old costume. Five years ago, I was in a production of The Pajama Game, which is set in the 1950s, and I found a beautiful beige linen shirtdress at a vintage store that was my favorite costume in the show. I thought it would be perfect for my current show, so I brought it down from the attic and tried it on.

Or, more accurately, tried to try it on. The waist wasn’t even close to closing. I have a vague recollection of having to suck in a tiny bit when I put it on back then, but no amount of sucking in or corsets or possibly even organ removal is going to make it fit now.

I’ve got the post-baby body blues.

The weird thing is that I actually look pretty darn good. Not just for a woman in her 40s who has never darkened the door of a gym. Not just for a woman who had two babies after the age of 40. Not just for a woman who gave birth to a nearly 10-pound baby less than 8 months ago. No, I look good for a woman, period. I just don’t look the same as I did five years ago.

Having babies does things to your body that will never change back. My feet and hips are wider and all the exercise in the world won’t make them narrow again. Maybe if I spent two hours a day in the gym five days a week I could lose the added jiggle around my middle and the little muffin top. Maybe if I ran up and down the stairs 50 times a day my thighs would slim down to what they used to be. But that ain’t gonna happen. Because having babies also does things to your lifestyle, like not allow you the freedom to spend hours at the gym and climbing stairs. My exercise these days consists of lifting babies and chasing toddlers. And my diet consists largely of leftover macaroni and cheese, toast, and graham crackers.

And you know, I’m cool with that. I’d love my slim little waist back. I’d love to have my so-firm-I-don’t-need-a-bra boobs again. I’d be delighted to buy a pair of jeans that doesn’t threaten to set my thighs aflame (and not in a good way) because of the chafing. But in the big picture, I’d rather have my small children than my small waistline. I’d rather steal bites of mac and cheese from my son and giggle about it together than nibble a salad on my own plate. I’d rather get my exercise chasing him around the house or climbing at the playground with him than going to the gym by myself. I’d rather tone my muscles by tossing my baby daughter in the air and stretch my back by bending over and helping her walk for hours than take a yoga class with strangers.

When you think about it, the changes in my body are a small price to pay for the happiness that my children bring me every day. And as long as my family and I are eating healthy (side of applesauce or baked sweet potato fries with that mac and cheese) and getting exercise (going for walks together and soon, swimming in the pool for hours every day), we’ll all be doing just fine.

And fitting into some old dress will just be a pleasant memory.

The Built-in Baby Gym

Before Ryan was born, I had some concerns as to how I would take off the pregnancy weight after he was born. I was fortunate that 8-1/2 months of morning sickness kept my weight gain down to 21 pounds (believe me, after 8-1/2 months I NEEDED that silver lining), and since nearly 10 of that was baby, I didn't have a lot to lose. But at 40 years old, even those few pounds can be tough to shed. And being the opposite of a gym rat, I didn't see myself signing up for yoga or Pilates or spinning classes. I knew deep in my heart of hearts that I probably wouldn't be especially faithful about taking the baby out for walks in the snowy weather or even using the treadmill. But what I didn't realize was what a built-in home gym a baby (especially my big ol' sack of potatoes) can be.

The simplest exercise is simply lifting baby from his crib. This is a rare occasion when laziness actually worked in my favor. Since I can't be bothered to lower the side rail of the crib, getting the baby out of the crib begins a gentle stretching of the muscles in the torso and upper arms, serving as a form of warm-up exercise. The actual lifting of the baby works on the biceps, and if the baby is especially wriggly or has rolled or squirmed into an awkward position, may also strengthen the trapezius, deltoid, and abdominal muscles.

Once baby is awake, the "free-form carry" exercises not only various weight-bearing muscles throughout the arms and shoulders, but has the added benefit of encouraging flexibility of the neck in dodging the inevitable sudden head-butt and hones the reflexes for foiling the occasional Full Body Launch Squirm. The FBLS also results in increased wrist strength, as the child's full weight is generally being thrust against the parent's hands during this escape maneuver.

Should the baby doze off while being held, parental laziness can again be beneficial, as many exercises can be performed in a recumbent position with the baby sleeping on the parent's chest or tummy. A child weighing 15 or more pounds will, as any parent of such a child will attest, provide a great deal of resistance to the parent drawing a deep breath, and will therefore tighten and tone the diaphragm and abdominal muscles. A semi-recumbent position (i.e., sitting upright in a chair but with horrifically bad posture so as to angle the child) allows for both breathing resistance and development of shoulder and underarm muscles, as the baby will inevitably slide down the body and will need to be repositioned. This motion is often done in a slow, controlled manner to avoid disturbing the child and bringing the exercise session to a premature (and loud) end, thus increasing both endurance and flexibility.

My personal favorite built-in baby gym exercise is the Dead Lift/Squat. While this manuever can be done without equipment, it is done most safely using a baby carrier or sling to center the child's weight.  Once the baby is secure in the carrier, proceed to a room, such as the kitchen, nursery, or laundry room, where needed items are stored at various heights. Alternating between stretching up on tiptoe, which tones the calf muscles, and squatting low. which attacks the glutes and quads, gives a balanced workout ala circuit training, with the side benefit of doing chores such as dinner prep and laundry folding.

Who needs a gym when you've got a 20-pound baby? He's way better motivation that a personal trainer, and best of all he works for milk and kisses. What's not to love about that?